brownhairblueribbon

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

2012-01-04T20:18:00.001+11:00

held together with six million rivets

Some stuff I might do.. I think I will try at least.

Get a slightly more interesting new new job
Be a good flatmate
Get up and live a normal day - fufil my responsibilites and act in a way that does not mean I have to lie about what I have done (ie gone to work/done exercise/not stayed up all night watching cat videos)
Participate in my own 2012writeathon
Be accountable, honest and practical - and be forgiving

bbq lessons.

2012-01-02T21:09:00.001+11:00

Yesterday M__ and I went on the bus to Broadway and we bought some prawns, we got cooked ones as they looked the best, and some lamb.

When we came home Mama (who is staying as always for Christmas et al) and M__ shelled them and I made a buttery garlicy dilly lemoney kinda sauce and we marinated them it Then we stuck them on skewers, Mama said that she didn't know that you should soak wooden skewers to stop them burning on the bbq - and M__ cooked them on the tiny ball bbq that I bought from kmart for $25 a few months ago.

They were yummy.

M__ had wanted to buy a pre-marinated lamb but I showed him that it had MSG in it, which he said he was surprised to learn about, and he let me marinate it at home. I marinated it in 2 types of mustard and rosemary and garlic and honey. We cooked it really slowly - in part because we fell into a rather long nap while it was cooking and the charcoal died down a bit to much - and the lamb was so tender and yummy. To go with it I made a potato salad.

M__ didn't like the punch I made 'cos it had pineapple juice in it, I knew he didn't like pineapple on pizza, I didn't realise it was such a bigger hatred.

So we all learnt something.

Boo

2011-12-13T00:03:00.000+11:00

I just looked at a picture of Flux and I miss him still so much. I wish I could smell him, feel him pulling on the lead, tell him to get down.
Just be with him.
I know it is 'for the best' but that doesn't mean that I will ever stop wanting him to be MY special rascal.

Ok. Vent over.

Representative of a Tree.

2011-12-09T02:51:00.001+11:00

So, I love Christmas(so unique I know..)

I have lots of good intentions, lots of dreamy inspirational pins.. I always want to do pretty things and often it all ends up as a mish-mash and created at the last moment, however it all ends up nice - see 2010 & 2009.

But despite the 'nice' the last moment is bad, mainly 'cos I don't get to enjoy the glitter for that long..

This year I have made my 'tree' in good time! Hurrah!

So not so much a tree, but, as I explained to my bemused flatmate when I first began; a pile of lose wool pompoms, tissue paper pompoms, lots of cheap kmart baubles and more crepe paper then she had seen outside of primary school laying all over the couch - it is a representation of a tree.

It is stuck to the ceiling with a coat-hanger and 3m cord hangers so can't take heaps of weight.

I was going to try hanging lights down, but as the battery packs where a bit heavy - and the ceiling is pretty high up for turning them on and off, I decided to put them in some jars to act as little Christmas light lamps.

So I get to enjoy the glittery-ness a bit longer this year, which is nice and um, sparkly.

Ouch

2011-11-28T21:13:00.002+11:00

I am still trotting round. A few rough months with an unexpected job change and a heart wrenching choice to find Flux somewhere more suitable to live.

Flux the night before he left, giving me a look that says - no photos, just give me the liver treat woman

He has moved to a farm right on the Hawkesbury where he has a kelpie sister called Scout and 4 human kids to play with. Much better then a courtyard and a flat for a very energetic terrier.. I chose where he would go very carefully - and it broke my heart, it still does. He left 4 weeks ago and I have not slept properly since then. He was my rascal and I love him so much.

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done*"

I got a letter the other day and they have changed his name to Ranger..

*Please note my use of this quote is not from the Dickens's classic, but from that other slightly lesser known classic teen romance Drive Me Crazy.

Sangria

2011-09-05T12:44:00.001+10:00

When ever I get drunk and feel really seedy the next day I forget to take my brain medicine (totes non-cute name for my Pristiq) and thereby cause self to have withdrawals and carry on hang over like symptoms for an extra day.

This happens every freking time.

(Pristiq is still working for me, has done since the disastrous April 2010, but it does have very quick and major impact withdrawals - dizzy, nausea, crazy brain shocks. UGH. Totally petrified about stopping taking it one day as I know that will be a hellish 96 hours or so..)

Also, I think I am drinking a bit to much. This happens when you meet a person who you are dating in the start, I think, but you know, I am bad at knowing when to stop - I talked about this before.

It is my RDO and I am going to go make lasagne I think. Maybe sing a long to Paul Kelly and cooking will make all a bit better.

Also, Sangria is a devil and despite all I wrote above, I will drink more of it, Spring of Sangria I say!

rascal

2011-08-28T10:53:00.002+10:00

I started seeing a guy. It got serious quite quickly I guess. But when you like someone you know. And we like each other.

It isn't stupid, it's not head over heels. It's not all consuming.

No one is an idiot. No one is 22.

It is really nice.

But, it is still really hard for me to believe that someone would like me for me. Not be lying or putting up with me. It is hard to stop questioning. To not want reassurance.

.. And this is self fulfilling self doubt, this behaviour makes people not really want to hang out with a person, so I need to keep working towards having control.

But I need to do this in all my relationships..

Stop saying sorry, stop thanking people for being my friend, stop feeling guilty for doing these things.. Ah the perpetual cycle!

Gossip? He is great. Funny & cheeky & himself - unpretentious and not a single hipster tendency. He is totally cute too. And he hangs around even though Flux pissed on his shoes... (Flux loves him.)

A lie all of our lives

2011-06-26T12:44:00.000+10:00

Life is fine.

I have been busy, but also not. I would say that anyone's recovery from abuse and resulting/preceding spirals of shame and depression can take as damn long as they like.

I think I am no where near better

I have no idea what that (better) means. It is a horrid concept when you have a mental illness as it seems so far away = better = normal? And then we have the 8th grade philosophy discussion about what is normal.

What? You guys didn't do 8th grade philosophy?

In my experience - It can be crippling to think about not being a ball of failure when you are not even totally sure what makes you a ball of failure except that everything makes you a ball of failure.

But as it is a easy parallel to make to another disease (at least as a literary devise) lets say that I do think I am in remission.

And that it has all really come together in my head in the last 2 months.

I have not been writing cos I just didn't have anything that I needed to write. ... But lately I have started to scratch things out on the handwriting app on my google phone thingy.

wowza/summer

2011-02-14T21:59:00.000+11:00

--- I wrote this about a week ago, just after the cool change finally came to Sydney ---

So I sitting on my couch in the lounge room, and for the first time in about two weeks I am fully dressed and there is no fan blowing on me.

That sounds like I have been taking part in some never ending slightly sleazy photo shoot in front of a wind machine, but really I have just been trying to live through Summer in Sydney.

My Mama has been living through cyclones up in Townsville. My sisters have been flying round Europe, snow storms be dammed. sisterB__ returned to her work last week and had to try to teach a group of year 1 and 2 kids in classroom temperatures of at least 35 plus.

I started a new job two weeks ago, and I love it. I am studying one unit this study period and it is hard!

sisterB__ has moved in with her mountain man and Flux and I have a lovely new flat mate, a chick who seemed from the get go to be on the same wave length as me. Hurrah!

Flux is great, he is a little terrible joy.

lovelyO__ & lovelyN__ came to Sydney to visit lovelyA__ and I. We went to the beach and ate french toast and had lazy dinners together and wished for more time - but once more our laughter and love is as intimate and immediate as always.

lovelyA__ & J's baby turned one. I gave her this amazing monster.

The days tumble down the hill, prickly brown summer grass stinging on sunburnt arms. We laugh as we race along.

Sigh.

2011-01-10T22:23:00.002+11:00

Damn krptonite man.

also

What the hell Verity?

also

Um, it doesn't feel that bad actually. Scar is definitely no longer a scab, probably hardly even pink any more; scar is fading to that silvery slightly raised type.

However the cut is still there - the weakness is still there.

I wanted to see him as it seemed fun and he rang and he asked and he said sorry and he said he wanted to do simple nice things, like eat Thai.

So I could be hesitant, but also gracious.

But then of course what he said would happen changed, and then it changed again and then he didn't get in touch when he said he would.

And so nothing is that different.

But I don't feel sad. And I don't feel cross with myself. I just think it is funny. I wish he'd call so I can tell him I think it is funny.

But also. Ask him why the hell he does this...

But he won't be able to answer. He has never been able to answer.

I don't really care any more.

At the risk of sounding bitter, I think he is a confused idiot who treats me with disrespect and it is all kinda just a joke now.

For a cliché that is so true to us - that (bush) fire is most surely been put out.

My mid twenties cocaine is done.

**Edited to add
Text recvd from - - - -
11-Jan-2011 2:01pm
Hey sorry for being a douche, really.

Um, douche? That is like a word an American pharma sales person would have used in 2002.

Sigh.

Paper + Paint? Bookcase

2011-01-03T19:13:00.001+11:00

Before

So one of the things on The List of Projects was to Paper + Paint? Bookshelf.

I did not paint it, but finally - only at least a year after buying this paper especially for the purpose from good old Pentimento & said paper surviving Fluxpuppy love - finally I have papered the back of the shelf that I display my coloured glass on.

I didn't paint the book case as I actually bought the paper to go with the deep purple colour that it was when I inherited it from my former supercool flatmates K+J who adventured off to Perth a few years ago now. But on the list I had a ? next to paint, so that was never really going to happen!

After

I also organised my books in colour. They don't really look that good, but any way. It is a change & that is as good as a holiday, or something. I have ALOT of Donna Hay magazines. If any one wants any email me and I will post some to you. I never really look at them after the initial month.

mmm, may need to add DUST to The List of Projects..

Switch it up

2011-01-02T20:53:00.001+11:00

I am always so bloody serious. Hopefully as according to my akk-resolutions* I will be posting more often so I will be able to share more of my amazing** sense of humour.

This Jean-Claude Van Dam gif is pretty fantastic. Not only for itself, but also I can totally imagine that Jean-Claude is actually David Silver and that makes me laugh even more. David Silver was uncomfortable.

On that note.. This whole scene from 90210 both shows the hilarity of it and probably explains a lot of my issues.. I need a shiny vest and to line dance more to white boys rapping.

*akk-resolutions is the 'label' I gave that post. I have not made resolutions relating to akk; the akk is to express my slight fear in relation to the resolutions.

** Not amazing mostly just a bit silly

My resolutionly things.

2011-01-01T15:03:00.000+11:00

So last year I deliberately didn't post my resolutions. I am this year, as god-damn it 2010 ended with my head ok-ish but much else chaos around me. Mostly re me not being employed..

So here goes. Who knows how I will go but you know...

To just have one or two jobs
To go to bed and get up at the 'right' times - ie by 10ish and by 6-8am ish depending on situation/dayofweek
To attempt couch to 5k. (I don't even want to finish but I never start these things and so to even start would be good & I have been using the franken-ankle as an excuse for far to long..) & to start attempt this week!
To be better at training the Fluxpuppy to behave
To write more - in my journal; to my sisters; on blog & maybe of 'la novel'
To actually do the projects on the list
To not eat to many packets of crisps - ie do not buy any at all all year!!!!
To stop being afraid and go on some dates again when feel like it maybe..

I left some blank ones there in case I think of other things.

Once more into the breach!!

Our little Christmas - 2010

2010-12-31T00:52:00.001+11:00

Sydney City from my bedroom - Blue sky Christmas morning 2010

I made Corn & Ricotta Fritters with Roasted Tomatoes and Basil Pesto for our traditional Christmas Brunch

sisterB__ and I decorated the lounge room with garlands of tissue paper pompoms

Stockings & tree (Presents all up high on bookcase and under TV (!) so Fluxpuppy could not unwrap them before the big day!

Mama gives Flux his little stocking

Baubles

Vodka with Cherry Tisane & Soda Water

Flux looking totally unimpressed about being decorated!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and three cheers and hurrah and hip hip and yahoo into 2011 with bells on and full steam ahead.

xx
Verity

rubbish; old school style

2010-12-29T02:19:00.001+11:00

You don't see bins like these ones much any more. Its all about big green ones, or ones hidden in council built beautifying bin containers that contain green bins.. Either way they are to tall for kidlets.

I know I said this last year, and I don't really care about 'years' any more - but damn I hope 2011 is better!! I am fine, my head is fine, but I just want some peace and stability job wise so I can finish my Uni!!

!!!!!

Exclamation.

Sigh.

Vent over.

happy blues.

2010-12-07T08:22:00.000+11:00

You should have a look at this, it is heart warming with its lust for summer. What a stunner Joseph Pielchaty is!

off to work

2010-11-25T08:30:00.002+11:00

So its 8.23am and I am off to work.. Not off to the beach..

But did I tell you I have another new job?

Yeah, the old new job was not-so-good-at-all.

In related news I seem to be having lingering increased anxiety related issues again.

But am dealing with the anxiety by yesterday seeing my Dr and requesting new referral to go see a counsellor. And, it is anxiety, not blue sheets/can't get out of bed depression so I am not in such a bad place as I have been before.

I am going to try not drinking apart from on very special occasions. I don't drink very much, maybe two times a week at most. But I find that I feel like it is making me feel ugh; with worse then when I was younger hangovers and, I always seem to want one more drink then I really need. It is this extra drink that I don't like wanting.

As last year - peace and white flags every one.

cloud shadows ...

2010-11-24T08:07:00.001+11:00

... are clearing*.

* This slightly meteorology-but-mostly-metaphorically related report brought to you by my own determination that the clearing will now take place god damn it.

Reporting in .. The List Post Number One (hopefully not the only one!)

2010-10-17T12:20:00.001+11:00

Well, I did clean my desk ...

and I did write The List of Projects..

Sooo.... I am going to make a The List page and we will see what happens! Here goes!

old movies

2010-10-17T11:46:00.000+11:00

"There is a new TV channel just for you Vez" says lovelyS__, a smirk on his face, "It's aimed at women 35 and over.."
"I'm only just 30!" I reply indignantly and pause, "But yeah I know, I love it."

I don't always love it - (for starters it should be called Jem and the theme song should be this..) but the other Saturday morning I did completely get distracted by Gregory Peck and Lauren Hutton.

It is called Designing Woman. It was great fun! I also love Arsenic and Old Lace, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Charade, almost any musical ever - stand outs being West Side Story, Singing in the Rain, Kiss Me Kate, Funny Face, On The Town, Guys and Dolls, Follow the Fleet.

Basically any thing I suppose... I like the stories and the sets and the costumes and the extravaganza.

And Gregory Peck.

Scar Project

2010-10-14T22:43:00.000+11:00

This is pretty freaking powerful and brave and stunning. What ladies!

Scar Project

Is it still one in 4 women who suffer from breast cancer?

Fuck cancer.

Fuck all illness. Our Aunt died around 10 years from bone cancer. She had part of her jaw removed. She spent the last 3 years of her life drinking food.
The jaw cancer was secondary, she had breast cancer first.

Did I mention how stunning the women in the pictures are?

Egotastical

2010-10-13T19:57:00.001+11:00

Me with a mo at our 70s/80s style election party this year.

You might have seen this picture on my twitter? If not and you have a twitter too, let us tweet to each other?

Self portrait day is an initiative of blogtoberfest - see more people over here at tinniegirls.

Puppy Encouragement

2010-10-09T16:35:00.001+11:00

Here is Flux, asleep at my feet as we relax this morning watching a movie. Yesterday I was really sick. Migraine induced vomiting and other horridness.

Today is much better, a slow relaxing morning, a visit and lunch at nieghbour-lovelyS__'s (Flux loves his back yard) and then home to do some cleaning and maybe some crafting.

Every week end it is 'maybe some crafting...' But I don't seem to get that much done, especially in the last 3 months.

However as I go around the room today tidying I find that Flux is lending his encouragement, by chewing up my very expensive paper that I bought to paper the back of some shelves in my bookcase, bought over a year ago that is..

And also by ripping apart boxes that I need to package up and send off to blogging friends but instead have had sitting under my desk fir at least a month or two..

I am going to write a list. And I am going to share it here. And I am going to document my failures or success. Damn it, I will not let Flux chew all of my pretty things, at least until I have combined them with other things and so they are pretty crafty things.

Or something.

Hurrah. I think.

PS Look how spotty Flux is these days -like a tiny tiny dalmatian he is.. To small to be made into a Tuxedo though.

sisterS__

2010-10-04T19:18:00.002+11:00

Human Nature by Shirae - Click on Image to go to her lovely etsy shop

some dot points about sisterS__

Is three and half years older then me.
Came with Mama in the car to get me.
Taught me that the quickest way to clean up all our Sindy dolls was to push them into one big pile in the corner of the room.
Has blue eyes with a pretty Mama green tint.
Once on the bus home from school I told the boys in her year her nickname from Scotland and I still feel bad.
Once I threw a Barbie doll at her head.
Once she locked me in the pantry.
Once I sat in the gold coloured sofa and cried my eyes out to her, admitted how lonely and sad I was.
Once while driving into civic in the Nimbus sisterS__ and I sang If I Could Turn Back Time so loudly that sisterI__ threatened to get out if the car.
Would let me have all the stations in Monopoly - but still beat me every time.
Is ridiculously smart.
Was once voted best bum by the Christmas relief sorters at Royal Mail in Edinburgh.
Is very hard working, and determined, and prone to stresses - such a first born!
Is the curator here - how cool is that!!
We took ages to get to be friends.
I feel so in awe of her and protective of her - these two feelings are such a juxtaposition some times - but so so real.
I love her so much it truly is ridiculous.
I just want to be as cool as my big sister!?!!

Canberra Rocks (circa mid the mid 90s)

2010-10-03T09:00:00.002+11:00

When I first learnt there was music that was not featured on Kix FM (Rock of the 90's!) with lyrics available via Teen Hits I first learnt about the Falling Joys.

I was 14 and in year 9. It was 1994. It was a time of silverchair and debating teams and Winona Forever and Falling Joys and P*Harness at Tilleys (Oh I was such a grown up!) ...

We know how to play the game

2010-10-02T21:04:00.000+10:00

Today Collingwood won the AFL Grand Final.

FluxPuppy and lovelyS__ and I watched it (lovelyS__ is my neighbor now and lives in a house near by and we hang out doing neighborly stuff, 'tis nice.)

I 'go for' Collingwood. I go for them because my Dad did. He went for them because when he was young a teenager from his little wheat growing town in Victoria went off to Melbourne and played for Collingwood, so all the boys at his one room school supported the Maggies from then on.

I remember watching that match 20 years ago in the kitchen in our house in Canberra.
We had a tiny little TV and Papa (my Dad) was yelling, it was a grey sky day and the trees in the courtyard didn't yet have leaves.

Last weekend my Dad and his wife and her son came up to sisterB__ and my flat and we watched the first final.
This was a good thing. There is much barbed wire and tangled wool between my Dad and I, but it is nice to have memories of football and bbq food.

In other news Harry O'Brien is the new Brett Kirk, but with beefier arms and perhaps a better turn of phrase.. Loving these men who blow the misogynist footy player stereotype outta the water.

sunset in the inner west, viewed from the dog park

2010-10-01T22:04:00.000+10:00

Day light saving is a wonderful thing. I can't wait to get home from the 40 min train ride from the new job and there is still day light to play with the Flux puppy in..

I hate such long journeys, but I love where I live. Stanmore is a happy little suburb, full of coffee and trees and parks and quiet and zooming airplanes and rushing trains and people who know me and people who know Flux.

So, am back and blogtoberfest-ing along. Last year I managed 13 blogtober posts, lets see how I go this year! Thanks to tinniegirl for the inspiration and encouragement.

Lake George

2010-07-16T14:53:00.000+10:00

I went to Canberra for less then 24 hours last weekend. lovelyO__ turned 30 on Tuesday and we celebrated and laughed and ate.
On Saturday night we had dinner at a resturant in Ainslie and first of all we all met at O's house.
Walking up to the shops, the streets as poorly lit as always, and our breath silvery as it hit the night air.
I had a bottle of wine in my bag and lovelyA__ was pushing her baby.

Walking round the streets of our town, no longer 17..

We commented on it, the strangeness - the loveliness of being us, walking round with babies, the bottle of wine stashed in bag probably wasn't that different though, except then we sat down and all ordered champagne by the bottle from the restaurant and never drank my moderately priced white blend.
We talked about boyfriends and babies and other people's weddings and so much of what we said included a "oh yeah I saw that (you got a new job/your brother got married/you went to New York for a year etcetc) on facebook.."

Lake George is grey and still, wind whips round it but it remains flat unwatered and unchanging.

On Sunday after hanging at the Hyatt for a breakfast treat lovelyA__ and her J and babyM__ and I drove back to Sydney, two others returned to Melbourne - lovelyO__ back to the northside and C__ back to the south, we retreat back into out adult life shells.

Puppy star sign

2010-06-19T00:24:00.000+10:00

I came home to a new galaxy formed on the carpet in the door way of my bed room..

"Your carpet was lacking glittery stars, I've fixed that for you"

Flux settles in to lick his handy work, for that extra glint that only puppy slobber can provide.

Blue sky catch up

2010-05-27T12:59:00.001+10:00

Well, its been raining in Sydney for an age, so here is a picture I took a while ago. It is of a roof of a house opposite the bathrooms at my work.
I had to climb on the toilet seat to hang out the little window to snap it.

So these things have been happening...

I have been creating some presents for my Mama who is staying with us at the moment, scarf a corsage a belt and a tissue box cover. I will post pictures soon.
I have not really been doing anything fun with my Mum which I feel guilty about.. But I have some days to make up for that, so I will.
I have been cooking yummy things - Ricotta Gnocchi, Lamb Curry, Risotto with Pumpkin, Mushrooms and Spinach, Roast Sweet Potato and Onion Soup.
I have been watching the end of Lost with lovelyS__.
I have been waiting for my Open Uni stuff to arrive in the mail - I am enrolled and I 'start' on the 31st of May; B Arts in Community Development. Wish me motivation!!
I have been waiting for the rain to stop so I can finish planting my bulbs – running out of time!
I have not been reading blogs much.
I have been a bit tired and grumpy.
I have been planing a little get together for my 30th this Saturday.
I have been trying my best to entertain poor little Flux-Puppy who wants to go outside but doesn’t want to get wet so instead will go eat that couch/electrical cord/shoe/ok that shoe/tea-towel/the cat ..

Yeah. I turn 30 on Saturday. I am pretty excited.
You guys should come to my party.. Would you like to? I am going to make cocktails and finger foods and we will dance to Johnny Cash & Teenage Fanclub and Beyonce.

Yayay!

Lost and lonely illegit laneway refuse.

2010-05-17T15:02:00.001+10:00

The lane way that our door opens up to is normally just a conglomeration of pot holes and cars parked there while choosing a video or eating at the deli or the pub or the Thai-place-across-the-road. Last week a big blue charity clothes bin appeared in one of the car spaces. It is not labelled for a particular charity and was located in a very strange place. I feel suspicious of its intentions for any donated goods it may receive.
Other people may have felt the same way. When I got home from work the bin had been tipped over flat so no one could place things in its mouth. Of course other people may also have been angry that it was taking up a car space.. Anyhow.

When sisterB__ & I were putting out the bins last night I took stock of the lane way. No longer just littered with cars and pot holes there was a small collection of big discarded things..

So here is my laneway’s ode to Pip’s mattress’s of beauty (you should look at them if you haven’t already, there are two lots – one & two)

Leaning against the wall in the rain, it seemed that to be abandoned along side a broken sun umbrella was a cruel joke..

Spiral of a diposable consumer item's life.

Mattress that used to laid on - loved on, have only each other for comfort now.

Abandoned brown bean bag, slumps by the charity? bin.

I turn 30 in about two weeks and I guess I am starting to be a neighbourhood busy body! I’m going to call the council about the non labelled charity bins taking over the car park – there is another one near the station now.
They may be legit – but there is such a ‘vintage things’ market these days that I have suspicions!

Tuesday sunrise

2010-05-11T13:02:00.000+10:00

This morning before the dog park, Flux woke me up so I could catch this from my bed room window.

Spindles of chaos

2010-05-10T15:09:00.002+10:00

“My depression” – is it an armour I wear, or a cloud I use to excuse my failings? But I feel guilty all the time for my failings, so I am not excusing them.. Either way I have been to see counsellors and two psychologists and I have made poor decisions in relationships and I have chosen to estrange myself form family and friends at various stages and I have had people choose to estrange themselves from me.

But did I choose to separate myself – me who can be so friendly and interested and gregarious? But who at times is crippled with self doubt and prefers to watch Midsomer Murders EVERY Saturday night then go out and seek some fun. Maybe part of the hiding is also that I don’t know how to socialise with out it ending in bad choices. Bad choices that either lead to more guilt or self dislike feelings or bad choices that are a result of my depression cloud armour? It is a little chicken and egg.

Something shit happened when I was young. Did that cause me to be sad? Two phycologists have now told me no, that I have a predisposition to Depression and indeed based on my chats I have been walking round with Major Depressive Disorder ( with a tendency towards a Atypical Depression) since I was as young as 15 years old. This is the type that doesn’t need a trigger (unlike Non-melancholic Depression) – it is just there.

So all the shit things, did I attract them, were they a result or a cause?

And how different could my life have been if I had not been so afraid – could I have saved relationships – maybe. Friendships – defiantly.

Why am I mulling over this.? I don’t know, I guess just to give some back ground with reference to who I am and why I write what I write here..

And because when I stopped taking medicine last September it was OK, but by the time January rolled round and I hurt my back and ---- happened I was not dealing. And I didn’t admit it.

And so it all culminated in a massive collapse in the evening after sisterB__’s graduation.It was a lovely ceremony. Mama came down. Marc Newson was there. You know, just chilling getting an Honorary Doctorate.

But after a couple of sandwiches and hanging on the lawnin the Quad, I fled to the front lawn and sat on a bench and started to cry. I was trapped. I wanted to go home but I couldn’t walk to the bus stop in Vic Park – people would see me. I texted Mama and she came out to see me. I cried. Why? No reason & every reason.

Sitting on that bench, so near the patch of stone wall that B__and sisters__ had been sitting on when I came out the great hall from enrolling in first year.. Where do all these different versions of me end up? The one who stood up for herself and didn’t go to Uni that year, the one who didn’t always doubt why B__ loved her, the one who tried to understand why she cried in the car every night after work . I never tried to understand. Is there a me who is still with N__? Or has she worked out about the cheating yet? Does it all end up the same way in the end?. Little spindles of time and choices flying whispering round the everywhere.

The next night was no better. Angry all day I hid in my room and by night was a ball of distress.

I ended up phoning lifeline and finally telling Mama the truth about how bad I was feeling. She came and got into bed with me and read me the Moomins. Then on Monday I went to a new Dr and started again, again.

This was seven weeks ago. Things are OK. The new medicine helps, it is a new kind, and I am pretty satisfied with it. Flux the dog helps. Honesty with my family helps. Feeling that I am finally making real changes to my behaviours help.

Someone asked me if having a name for it made it worse? I said it felt freeing. Its nice to have a cause. It means that you can try to grab at the causes of the cause and slow it down, reign it in, tame it.

I am not saying I am amazing for overcoming things, nor am I looking for any one to say any particular thing in responce to this entry, I am just trying to be true to the initial reason I started writing. And this is my little blog, and depression is a part of me.

Documented in typed words incase she ever finds this blog

2010-05-09T14:04:00.000+10:00

Happy Mama's Day M__ and G__. You are both legends and I am so grateful for all the choices and sacrifices that you made.

My Creative Space 06.05.2010

2010-05-06T20:05:00.001+10:00

So - as with everything involving sewing, crochet etc please remember I am an enthusiastic learner..

Flux the puppy rules my life and is short haired and tiny and gets all shivery when we go for our early morning play in the park. So I decided to make him a coat.

I went the other way round from most coats - as the normally cover the back and leave the tummy with just a strap across it and it is his little belly I worry about the most! But now I feel like maybe this one isn't long enough. Any way - he'll grow out if it or chew it to bits in two weeks so lets call it a prototype!

Want to see it on him? Um, well, it is hard to get a shot - he never stops moving!

But here he is sleepy and looking at a treat, also - (if I do say so myself!) looking a treat!

Thanks to Kootoyoo for hosting creative space at her house.

She & Him

2010-05-04T01:10:00.000+10:00

We all love Zooey don't we? His name is M Ward. I have seen M Ward 4 times, I love him. These two together are tops.

I do wish that M Ward didn't remind me of N__ so much. Well I used to think that. I don't think he does any-more.

I think the scab has closed over.. Wish that meant I could sleep.

computer games

2010-05-01T14:02:00.000+10:00

I have a sporadic affection for computer games, I don't really like them that much, but when I do I get obsessed. The Sims & Sim City have been long favourites. When lovelyS__ and I where together and living with each other I would fight him for time on his xbox to play Fallout 3.. A post apocalypse set game where you are a wanderer of the wasteland, trying to restore fresh water supply and fulfil your father's legacy while you battle ghouls, mutants and slavers. And yes, I like to cross stitch...

So I have found a new one, it is about a robot who is out to save his best friend and his girlfriend. Its all logic and puzzles and great detailed drawings.

I highly recommend! (click on first picture to visit the demo)

Orchids, Deers & Chocolate frogs / Tea towel loveyness

2010-04-30T15:46:00.005+10:00

& so the tea towel swap inspired by Kate & Sooz & organised by Sooz has ended with flowers & stags! I am still missing one tea towel, but I know that blogger is a very busy lady & to tell the truth, it is nice to have found her blog to read and you know, whats the point of afretting?

Last week in the mail I received the lovely stag from Kate herself and from Grace - who I think (although don't want to assume?) stressed her poor darling self out too much sent all her swap partners tea towels that she ordered from Etsy. Grace showed beautiful taste and I do love and appreciate what she chose for me (added bonus it will make me think of my mum's flowers when I use it) I do hope that she wasn't totally disheartened with the screen printing palaver.

I love Kate's design and colour she used. Her tea towel arrived with Easter eggs & a chocolate frog and some vintage transfers that will def be getting a used for a present for lovelyA&J's baby (who I made that quilt for back in the day..)

My efforts were most definitely a bit haphazard and not how I imagined them - but I persevered & I have to admit embarrassedly apologised for smudges etc in the cards I sent with them - My Mama likes them and what more does a girl need! You can see how I wrapped them up here, and below is my effort!

Don't forget to spy on all the tea towels here!

The willow tree rock pirates

2010-04-29T00:21:00.000+10:00

You know when you were little and there was a place your family wenton lazy holiday afternoons. You guys went there often enough for the place to be familiar, but not so regularly that it didn't remain special and magic and full of the promise of a game not oft played..?

When we were little and still living in Edinburgh Granny C used to take sisterS__ and I to the Botanic Gardens. I loved the rock garden and the glasshouses were amazing - they looked like castles from the outside and on the inside they were warm and filled with ponds and water lillies and they seemed never ending.

But mostly I loved a massive flat stone that was placed in the middle of a creek under a willow tree.

The stone was large enough for sisterS__ and I to turn into a pirate ship.

Up in Queensland Mama, sisterB__ and I went and had a picnic at Crystal Creek. It felt like another place full of magic and games. I wonder what a pair of five and eight year old girls would have made of it?
A pair of twenty four & twenty nine year old girls tried to swim against the waterfall and splashed and shivered and laughed loudly in exhilaration.

Then we ate sumac roasted chicken & beetroot with fetta and chatted with Mama.

Did you have a magic imagination land game place? Maybe one like this place?

Oh happy sigh!

Winning Art

2010-04-27T13:44:00.003+10:00

So, to follow on from the lovely pictures that I was gifted in the swaperamasuperswap (btw if you want to do a swaperamasuperswap you should, its fun. Just ask the person, worked out great for us. Would you like to do one with me? Just ask! swaperamasuperswap hurrah!!) I won a beautiful photo from Sara who lives In the Light of the Sun who had a giveaway to celebrate her 100th post.

Blue Monday via Sara's Etsy shop. (Click on the picture & you'll get there!)

I love blue, and the prettiness of every day suburbia. Oh I love this picture, plus it came with tea and love letters and even the postage packet has pretty scrolls on it!

So it has gone above my bed, near my lovely hearts and next to the bird candle holder that I was given by my dear friend lovelyN__.

Oh and the other great thing? Bunting! I get some of Sara's awesome bunting!

Pin cushion swap - FIN!

2010-04-26T23:52:00.001+10:00

So I completed the pincushion - it was not perfect (at all!) bumpy and slightly squint edges. But FIN with happy thoughts and special choices of materials for my swapee.

See, she is a girl of crochet and beads and so I incorporated such things.

I also made some beaded pins and sent those to her too.

bumps & lumps withstanding - It passed the Teddy the Cat inspection test.. and so off it went!

Swaperama aka the superswap

2010-04-26T23:05:00.001+10:00

So me and her & her house & the dog of the house had a superswap. No rules, well except for posting date - and that was a rule that I broke anyway, so, yes - no rules! You might call it sending a nice girl a present, we call it a swaperamasuperswap.

I sent a second hand teapot that I bought from king st vinnies & thought would go well in her collection and a 'vintage' tea towel that had funny pictures of martini glasses and dice and playing cards that I thought she might find odd & and amusing and some seeds and a treat for my fav internet dog friend.

She sent two of her lovely pictures. I have hung them in the blank space above my bed.

I love the pictures. I love the sentiments..

Heart Light (the darker hearts) reminds me of nights, walking home fast, down empty just rained on streets. Bitumen sparkling under the florescence of the street lights. Walking home to find the bush at the front of our house lit up in full purple bloom. Not needing to show the blooms to him. It was enough that I saw them..

Its a bit about what we see & feel.

I am lucky to have lovely people like those from the yellow house in my world ( - it feels like kindred, extra support on the team!) and yes, this is the most times in one post I have linked 4 times to one blog! Excessive? No, super!

Some of Grandmas's crochet

2010-04-26T12:48:00.004+10:00

When I was up at Mama's I took a few pictures of some of Grandma's crochet. Grandma (Mama's Mama) was an amazing crochet artist who won a million awards from her local Ag Show over the years. We grew up with her work as part of our day to day existance, granny square pillows, crochet round the edges of all our wash cloths, kitch hand towels with crochet handles and a pearlesent button attached and always a book mark in our birthday cards.

It hasn't been until the last few years that I realised how special her work was.

They called Grandma Dolly you know? 'Cos she was as pretty as a doll.

I need to ask Mama more stories about her (and more stories about Mama while I am at it.)

Morning tea break update

2010-04-20T10:27:00.000+10:00

Heya..... I am internetless. I am writing this in my break at work. I have finished my pin cushion. I have half taught a Flux-Puppy to sit and 1/4 taught him to go to the toilet outside.
I am exhausted and so happy to have him.
I have hung awesome pictures on my wall. I have been sick and missed going to a crafternoon which made me very sad.

OK, gotta go get a tea!

xoxo bhbr

Meet Flux

2010-04-14T00:25:00.002+10:00

Hello..SNIIIFFFF

Oh, what is that! what is that! what is that!

This is my nose, it is cute.

Hello!

I am lovely & happy to meet you!

Pin cushion swap - ingredients

2010-04-11T19:44:00.000+10:00

So, I think I have the right ingredients to make a pin cushion that will tempt my pin cushion swap partner's taste buds..

I am using a recipe from here... So keeping it simple (as that is all my sewing skills can handle!) & hopefully my added details - garnish on the top if you will - will make my partner happy!

Oh that brilliant crochet book mark? My Grandma - Mama's Mama - was a prize winning crochet goddess. I will be showing you some more of her utterly glorious creations soon!

Flowers in Mama's garden

2010-04-10T21:17:00.001+10:00

Food I made - Sour Cream Chocolate Cake

2010-04-08T12:55:00.001+10:00

I love sour cream lemon cake, but some times I feel like the lemon leaves a funny after taste in my mouth, so I adapted my favourite sour cream lemon cake recipe (copied from a lady at an old work place) with some cocoa. It was nice. Moist and maybe a little crumbly, but with a nice top.
I didn't ice mine, I served it with some yummy thick yoghurt, but I am not a big sweet tooth.. I would imagine it would be special with a bit of a chocolate glaze and some berries. Everything is good with chocolate glaze & berries..

Sour Cream Chocolate Cake

Ingredients

1 & 3/4 Cup Plain Flour
2 tsp Baking Powder
150-200g Caster Sugar, depending on your sweet tooth - could use Brown Sugar too I think, but not Raw, it would not work as well.
40g-50g Cocoa Powder
3/4 Cup Sour Cream (I think best to use Full Fat, as you will need the fats for the baking)
3 eggs ( I used 2 and it was a bit to crumbly, 2 big eggs or 3 small maybe..?)
125g Unsalted Butter
Splash of Vanilla Essence

Method

Preheat your overn to around 180-200 C & line your pan, I used a round 22cm pan.
Sift together the flour, cocoa & baking powder.
In a seperate bowl beat the butter, sugar, sour cream, eggs & vanilla essense with a mixer until smooth.
Combine the two bowls and mix until mixture is smooth - it will be quite heavy.
Poor into tin and bake until skewer is inserted cleanly - 35 mins - check at 25.
Eat!

Salad Days

2010-04-07T23:28:00.000+10:00

I went to Queensland and had Easter up there with my Mama and sisterB__. It was brilliant and I have stories and pictures to share.

Here is a happy frog that was on the wall of my Mama's garage.
On my walls in the courtyard there are sometimes big scary cockroaches & spiders & ants. In Queensland there are happy tree frogs and geckos.

Holiday =1; Sydney, Place of Working & Not Laying on Deck Reading All Day = 0.

7 Things - Kreative Blog Award

2010-03-31T15:18:00.004+11:00

I feel quite chuffed! I have been passed this from Sara, who has a beautiful kaleidoscope of light over here.

So I am to tell you 7 things....

1- This is me in the garden at Stockdale st. I loved that house. N__ took this picture just before we left for the last time.

I moved here with my Mum and sistersI__&B__ when I moved back to Canberra after the Great Uni Experiment & my Mama decided to leave my Dad.

Stockdale st was like a beach house in the middle of Canberra suburbia. We had a wood fire in the winter and the house came with a cat. It had open spaces and was little bit warm, unlike our big empty family home.

N__ and I would sit outside and talk for hours. I would cry quite a lot. I didn't understand why then. I wonder now, how things could have ended up with N__ & I if I had been 'diagnosed' earlier.

2- I am adopted. I came to live with Mama & My Dad and sisterS__ when I was 6 weeks old.

When I was four sisterI__ was born and then sisterB__ when I was five. They are all my parents biological children. I can honestly say that I have never felt any different from them all, but at the same time I have never felt the same as them all. But I think that that is totally normal.

3- My sisters are my dearest friends.

I love reading stories about 4 daughters, Little Women & All in the Blue Unclouded Weather are two favourites. Also - not really a tale of 4 daughters as Helen Garner was one of 5 girls & a boy, but a story bringing in all the girls memories and perceptions of their history, happenings and current relationships in her True Stories collection is the most familiar piece of writing I have ever come across.

This is sisterS__ and I running into the ocean at Grandma's house in Queensland. That holiday we stayed in a Queenslander - a house on stilts. We collected a lot of coconuts and one day some boys came and stole them from under the house.

Later that same holiday sisterS__ was bitten by green ants & I am still afraid of them.

4- I love and miss and think about my college girlfriends every day, but we are all crap at staying in touch, but still wonderfully brilliantly close to each other and I am endlessly thankful for them.

5- As embarrassing and how-are-you-not-over-that this is, I am still only 80% sure that I wouldn't want to go back to Saturday Afternoons in his arms looking out at this. Despite knowing how it will end. Actually no. I don't want to feel that way I felt at the end. Even in writing that I remembered how the end felt. And for how damn long I felt the way the end felt.

However I do sometimes miss that total immersion.

I worry that because it was a lie, I have resigned myself to never feeling 'that' again and therefore will let 'it' pass me by for lack of awareness. Or I have let it pass me by - that I didn't give myself totally to a relationship following thatone & that is why we didn't make it.

I need to Stand up straight and pay attention! Be a Solider of Love! heehee.

6- Any time I see a wildly growing big healthy dandelion I wish I knew a guinea pig I could take it too.

7- This picture sums me up in so many ways...

- I blunder into things with no thought of how to get out.

- I often find myself marooned and stuck in the mud.

- I don't like getting my bright coloured Wellington boots dirty....

... but at the same time....

- Splashing is fun.

I think I received a blog award once before you know. But I was so new & pink & raw that I don't even know if I thanked the person! Sorry Sara & thank you!

So, I have to pass this on to people - I am a bit nervous doing so; I still don't know that many people so if you don't want to play, or you have already played - no hard feelings - just know you are awesome!

So I pass on to these cools peeps The Yellow House In The U - GemmaJoy - The Bird Bath - pepper stitches & A Life So Peachy

From my window - Earth Hour

2010-03-31T11:56:00.002+11:00

From my window, through the tangle of the power lines, I have a better view of the skyline then my little camera can battle with the bright street lights to capture - that is Centerpoint Tower (or whatever they call it now!) on top of the street light in the first picture.
But you can tell the difference between Earth Hour and not Earth Hour..

Flotsam

2010-03-26T13:10:00.001+11:00

Flowers in the window box, with a glimpse of the city behind.

I am looking forward to a weekend with some paper crafting - finally finishing something I am making for that give-away. Looking forward to farmers markets with Mama. Celebrating sisterB__'s official graduation from her Masters.

Looking forward to writing some letters and washing some clothes & that sense of satisfaction that I always get after hanging the clothes out to dry - when I turn around and look at the washing on the line before going back inside to the paper & the coffee machine.

Catching up with some friends, eating some avocado on toast. .. ohh & maybe some cake.

Brown paper & cloves / Tea towel lovelyness

2010-03-23T10:36:00.002+11:00

So my tea towels were wrapped in brown paper, little recycled envelope full of love letters & spices attached and off out into the world I have sent them.

I'll show you what I made later on, for now I'll show off the two tea towels I have received so far. They both arrived last week. All our mail goes to the deli underneath us and we collect it from there (trying to not to also collect fancy jam, cheese, prawn filled ravioli etc etc..)

These are the lovely tea towels I have received from Wendy from the corvidarium and Tanya from Apple and Tangerine.
Teddy (the cat) was quite happy to jump up and inspect them. Wendy made the lovely screen print of the bird. She blogged about it being "unsatisfactory" - I am most happy with it!

We are always so critical of ourselves are we not? I know I was horrid to myself about my efforts - But really why? In the wash up (dry up?), we have all made brill stuff.

Wendy wrapped it all up in a lovely ribbon. I am a ribbon type of gal.
I see the birds in a winding tangle of bush, or maybe a nest- looking out for a tasty worm? Actually that bird looks to elegant to eat worms.. Oh I think it is lovely! Thank you Wendy!
& how great is Tanya's patchwork! I love that leaf material and the happy pear & apple. It even came with a little apple button!

I feel a very lucky tea towel recipient.

This is the first swap I have participated in and I am very greatful to Kate & Sooz for their inspiration and organisation. It is fun to swap! You can have a look at all the tea towels over here.

Flea Market Finds - 21.03.2010

2010-03-21T14:44:00.000+11:00

Yesterday between purchasing some chai tea bags, some sweet pea seeds and an urgent visit to the deli for ~~more then I probably should have bought~~ a generous amount of bocconcini, I grabbed a few things from St Vinnies.

Some glass bowls to put my hair clips etc in on my dresser - I have a lot of odd little saucers etc fulfilling this role at the moment, but I thought the bowls would be a bit more organised & I like the 'crispness' of the glass.
Oh and a little blue tea cup. Between sisterB__ & I we have more tea cups then shelves & hooks & cupboards to store them all in - but, well, it is a tiny blue tea cup. Surely I don't need to explain any thing else. I like it and I brought it home to stay.

Other finds and pretty things over at the lovely home of Her Library Adventures.

PS; Yes that is the screen print for my tea towel swap tea towels in the back there. I have had some issues with the printing on linen thing. The tea towels are over due. Oh I will have a fine when I return them.

My Place & Yours - Pink

2010-03-17T18:30:00.006+11:00

I am not big on pink, I am more a red and green and yellow and well, blue girl.. So I wasn’t surprised I couldn’t find any really at home..

But at work it keeps me happy.. A little carnation in a glass that I snaffled from a bush on my work to work on Monday (I must admit that on Monday morning's walk I am a beady eyed flower thief ninja. I do take flowers from home, but I keep my eyes pealed for a spirit-lifting bloom I can quickly grab, to help me through the 9-5..)

Then there is also picture ripped from an old magazine that was laying in the tea room.

Cherry trees remind me of spring in Canberra. The inner north is full of little pockets or cherry trees, whose pink blossoms unfurl in late August. Sprays of pink against that high high blue sky, and at that time of year 12 degrees is a warm day.

I do miss the seasons in Canberra.

I guess that is why I have this other little snap shot at work too.

An Autumn shot of ash leaves against that high high blue sky - blue and yellow - "Such 90's colours" sisterI__ would laugh at me.

For more pink bits head over to new host for this gypsy of a meme - helloowl.

I would have played last week - but the theme was Self Portrait & I had an awfully gross eye infection. Actually I should post a picture of that this week - as they were so so pink and sore, two for the price of one - with bonus eye gunk. - Lovely!

Paper stiches

2010-03-17T13:55:00.003+11:00

Its hard to sew in straight lines some times.

I find I need guidelines.

A ruler, a bit of lead pencil, a nice bright desk light by the side of the machine.

I have been feeling down since I hurt my back, not really dealing to well. Letting the Negative Self Talk Girl have open mic night in my head... Some stuff is going on with my lovely lady lumps and it is doing my head in a bit, and some stuff is going on in friend land that is doing my head in a bit and some stuff is going in with just the fact the other day I freaked out about going inside work and sat on a bench in the park where they have the dog play area and had a minor panic attack about going to work.

I am going back to the Dr and probably going to try a medicine again. I am not enjoying the increasing anxiety returning..

- I am missing lovelyS__ at the moment, we are trying to get some space & I miss seeing him. It makes me appreciate him, I guess that is the point of the space. Makes you work out what you really value in a person and a relationship. I miss talking about mutual interests (we both like stuff) and having catch ups about the going ons of our worlds. It is clear to me that simply I like him as a person, and I want to be friends not as one last hang-on to our old love, but because I like the man.

But then Negative Self Talk Girl starts telling me all about how he won't be missing you and its wrong to believe that you two can stay mates and you don’t deserve him in your world any way after every thing you put him through and you should just go back to bed.

- I have another friend that I have not heard from for a while, and I am not sure why, and I am not sure if I should call and Negative Self Talk Girl is right there telling me that she can’t be bothered with you and why should she after all the times you have flaked out on her etc etc.

- I have another friend, a dear sweet surrogate sister friend who I desperately want to see more of and be young and silly with - who I mad plans to see on Sunday and never called her. I have done this to her basically every time I ever arrange to do anything.

- I popped down to King st on Saturday to get some mod-podge and a bunch of flowers and freaked out at the idea of people looking at me and had to stand in the newsagency for so long browsing till I calmed down that I felt I had to buy something.

- Then when I got home I was cross with sisterB__ for utterly no reason. Cross & rude & nasty - fulfilling Negative Self Talk Girl's low opinion of me and how I treat others.

I was heading for an explosion, and on Monday I did. But I didn't cry alone. I let a person know...
... and sisterB__ listened and then we chatted and then we had scrambled eggs for dinner and made a plan together. Its much easier when you admit that the panic is catching up and for a team to defeat it. As Amy says to Laurie in Good Wives “How well we pull together..”

That said, I don't want to marry sisterB__, that would be odd.

PS I watched Little Women the other day, Jane Campion always makes rich movies with more to drink in on the screen then is possible.

clicking round 08.03.2010

2010-03-08T17:57:00.004+11:00

Indigenous weather knowledge - fascinating and so accurate. I remember hearing an interview on 702 last year talking about this project. The lady they were interviewing mentioned that during the Time of Wiritjiribin the men and women of the tribe would live separately as the wind meant that there would be more arguments.

There is more infomation here (and from that linked article) I love this quote;

"In Aboriginal society one of the laws is you never tell another person's knowledge," said Frances Bodkin, a botanical author, teacher and traditional storyteller at Mount Annan Botanic Gardens. Bodkin is a traditional D'harawal Aboriginal descendant and one of the last people in Sydney to inherit tens of thousands of years of weather wisdom ... This knowledge is a gift from one person to another, and can't be thrown away without great care. "Its my responsibility. If I tell the wrong person or if I tell someone and someone else does something wrong with it - that is my responsibility so I have to be careful. So I don't tell the secrets," said Bodkin.

Passing on knowledge and experience is sacred and important in all forms isn't it?

It is so important what you say, how you say it, how much you mean it.. From teachers in a under fours playroom up to a high school modern history teacher.. Oh I wish teaching was valued more highly in our society.

Then there is caring knowledge. By this I mean the skills and traditions invoked and called upon when raising a child, a family, a community.

This then leads my mind to ponder the concepts of caring and how destroyed the bonds and chains of teaching and learning were broken by the stolen generation* and I feel sad and I click around searching for stories of women and how they learnt to mother, with out examples from their family and kin.

I am trying to pick a course to apply to study next semester. It is Teaching vs. Community Development at the moment.. So lots of Uni clicking and hmm-ing and ummm-ing.

Good old smitten kitchen - Is (more then just the always beautiful and inspiring food,) very much making me want to move to winter time NYC.

I am still thinking about Charmaine Drugan, I like the intent behind the inquest as the smh.com reported it; Mr Hirsch said the inquest aimed to improve understanding of the complexities of mental illness and the pitfalls of its management and to provide lessons to help reduce Australia's suicide toll.

"Charmaine would have wanted - and her parents do want - this inquest to have one overarching purpose ... to help other people who are suffering from depressive illness," he said.

*was never at all just a singular generation - was several, should be generations?

Art

2010-03-05T15:33:00.004+11:00

I am hopefully going to see the Olafur Eliasson exhibition at the MCA this weekend ( I meant to go ages ago, but I didn't.) I am excited, I want very much to go, I mean look at it .......... (It reminds me a little of Dr Who!)

I wonder if they could do other contemporary art exhibitions based on TV shows I used to watch on the ABC when I was a child...

Degrassi – An interactive exhibit in which over sized tubes of Clearasil and Proactive, fitted with wheels are used as pieces for a giant board game where you climb up large spikes and slide down snakes.

Press Gang - Marauding youths equipped with lithographic presses perform contemporary dance all based around the cult-like worship of several jackets that feature immense shoulder pads.

Mysterious Cities of Gold - they don't need to invent anything, just the cells from the cartoon itself would more than suffice..

What else, Postman Pat....? Danger Mouse....?

guess who is coming to stay with us after Easter?

2010-03-04T11:37:00.003+11:00

Well truth be told, I don't know who is coming. He doesn't have a name yet..

Charlie A bit boring maybe? But a def fav.
~~Ned~~ Sounds a lot like Ted - very much like the cats name
Barney I already know two of them, lovely as they both are it would seem a bit strange ..
Flux (capacitor) Totally loving this in a daggy I-never-got-over-Micheal-J-Fox-way
Barksdale Hilarious & Gangsta
Gus Cute, but maybe too much like something I would name a child?

Open to all and any suggestions. Just nothing that rhymes to much with Ted or Teddy..

Saturation

2010-03-02T23:39:00.002+11:00

My Mama ...

(I always feel funny writing that - Mama is not mine, she is "ours" and not even that! Uncatchable whirlwhisp of a woman who raises and cares and grows with and embraces and infuriates all four of her girls. We are hers, even if she isn't quite all ours.)

ANYWAY ... Our Mama lives in Townsville, she moved there I think almost 2 and half years ago. She is very happy there. I have not been to visit her since Easter two years ago. When I went up that year I went with something that was both a symptom of me being f__ked up and also served to f__k me up more.

But this Easter sisterB__ and I are flying up for some tropical Easter Mama love. Hurrah!

Just near Townsville is Magnetic Island. It is not a secret place or anything. But I loved there. It was great. __ was awful, but I stayed and enjoyed my island time. I met two lovely Welsh girls who were lovely to me and we swam & sun bathed & I so very much wished I could back pack up to Mission Beach with them. I fed birds. __ & I tried and failed to connect. __ gambled and lost $980 within the first two hours I left him alone in Townsville. __ had an argument with my Mama and she told him to leave her home. I kept trying to excuse it all away. I spent hours writing in a black and gold note pad I bought from a very expensive supermarket-ish shop.

Alma Bay is not at all the most secluded beach on Magnetic Island. But to me it was the prettiest. I was happy. Me and my sea-water comb over were happy. I swam and walked on rocks and swam. Swimming is great.

I feel a bit funny about going back there. __ really f__ked up that holiday. But also, I need to stop being so nostalgic about places, and just let time and places exist in different moments.

post it note for you stuck on the toaster (no passive aggressive overtones I swear)

2010-03-02T21:43:00.002+11:00

Hi lovely(?)___ ,

So, I knew I wouldn't be able to write over the last week so I scheduled two posts.

But I didn't really schedule them. I just saved them and they didn't publish at all. With this kinda record I will never get a book deal. Especially if I keep on using 'words' like kinda.

On another note there is an NRMA ad on at the moment about how a lot of things can change in two years.

This is true, a lot can change in two years. For me it did. But also I stayed the same. But also I didn't.
In the words of N__ & I singing that Des'ree song that we had stuck in our heads for all of the yr 12 media excursion to Melbourne "Life oh life.."

So I am going to post those posts...

Bits of me want that ad girls two years to be my two years..

Not he insurance bit, I don't even know what type it is selling.

But I want that life.

I want life. I want to stop hiding at home. I want to stop hiding behind this wieght I put on.

You know what - I am open to the idea of having a crush and a pash*.

One day.

One day in the next two years.

I miss you! Sorry I have been so out of touch - I think about you all the time, till then -

So much love,

V__ aka bhbr girl.

xoxoxox

* I just want to be alone for a while. Make sure my head is in the right place before I open myself up for all that wonder/crap/heartache/laughter/wines/sweatyplam/listeningtoboringbands/listeningtoawesomebands/generalwooingbehaviours that all that crush/pash involves.

My Creative Space 18.02.2010

2010-02-18T20:40:00.002+11:00

This is Teddy, trying out the comfort of the first quilt I have ever made.

He seems happy - he snuck up on to it when I went off to attend to the kettle which was a-whistling.

I made this for my lovely friend A__'s new baby. lovelyA__ is the first person I am super close to who has had a baby. Its amazing how much you can love a little person who you have only met through photos on facebook (the family are all over in London.) But oh honestly there is a photo taken from over the top of A's shoulder and she is holding her little one and to see my friend, who I ate sticky date pudding with, and got drunk with and cried on a beach, and danced a thousand dances and hugged and laughed and sang Madonna with in her car, this friend who is intrinsic and lovely and so loved by so many and just plain darn awesome - to see her holding her & her partner's child brings happy tears to my eyes every time I look at the picture.

Now my humble quilt is never going to be hung from the balconies in Braidwood as lovelyA__'s aunts are, but if it just rests under the baby in a stroller, or if it is used as a damn emergency un-wipeable changing mat ! the love that I feel for this little one will still pour from every stitch.
I need to get rid of the cat hair though!

Thanks to kootoyoo for hosting all our creative spaces.

nightmare or a beautiful romance

2010-02-18T18:32:00.001+11:00

I think the title of this blog comes from a Beyonce song. I am not 100 percent on that. Or on the actual lyrics.

Yesterday I was talking to lovelyS__ as we waited for our local pizza guy to make us pizza for us to run back to my house and eat while watching the latest downloaded Lost episode

(watching Lost together is one of those things that lovelyS__ and I continue to do, even though we are no longer together. Its been about 6 months now since we broke up, and about 3 since he moved out so I think I can stop explaining that we are still friends now, can't I? Just please don't think it means I am harbouring secret desires to be with him. I don't. We spent quite a bit of time together on Valentine's day, a morning and a night time, and even on that day of sickly sentimentality I was able to contain myself from pashing him. That doesn't mean I don't get jealous, sometimes I do. Sometimes I get upset when I think other girls are not treating him right, or are using him to prop up their own low self esteem and I want to yell a bit at them. But mostly I feel as I should and super happy that we are friends. He means so much to me and I like hanging out with him having coffee and beers and eating pizza and watching Lost and drinking wine and discussing stuff. We both like stuff.)

Any way..

So there we were waiting for the pizza and lovelyS__ said that I looked like I must be sleeping better, and I said I was. I am not drinking horrid V drinks any more and I am going to the swimming pool and since I stopped taking the anti depressants the crazy ultra-vivid dreams had stopped.

Anyway.

When I finally got to bed & went to sleep they were back and I woke up feeling like I had just spent 7 hours begging my high school boyfriend to be my friend.

I don’t have many friends. Part of that is that I just couldn't maintain friendships very well for many years as I was just to wrapped up in myself and my own loneliness and fear and I thought these people didn't like me and that became a self fulfilling prophecy. I lied to people and I mis managed things and I got to drunk and said the wrong thing or had sex with to many people. Or I don’t know, I f--ed something up. I am good at f--ing things up.

So after everything made me finally get some help to get my shit in order, I wake up, and I am still faced with the guilt that my actions have driven people away - or that people just don't like me - or you know - what ever.

A boy I grew up with, who used live up & down the hill from me and who I walked to school with almost every day in high school refused to be my friend on bloody facebook. I have not much in common with him any more, but I have nothing but love for him and I don't understand what I did wrong. This is just one example.

In the end, the best I can do is not hide away - feeling that this kind of situation is what I deserve and its better to hide away then have it happen again. In the end I know I am funny and likeable and caring and honest and true and loyal and a good friend. I just wish I hadn’t lost people. I wish I wasn't so clammeringly grateful for those I have kept - sometimes I catch myself apologising or explaining something and I hate myself for doing it. I feel pathetic. Needy.

Oh but that dream messed with my head. And its hard hard hard to battle the tentacles of self hate and depression.

13.14.02.2010

2010-02-13T13:11:00.001+11:00

I have had a less then average week, (more later.. its on the list!)
In the mean time TinnieGirl linked to this and its too cute not to use. You can make one too over here.

My Place and Yours - What's in Your Bag?

2010-02-08T03:01:00.001+11:00

My bag (a nice black bag, from Witchery given to me by sisterS__ when she visited last July,) on the sofa, next to my kickboard and raggy old swimming towel bag - resting after our Sunday afternoon trip to the pool in the rain.

Its full of stuff..

Oh dear.. I'll try to go clockwise-ish starting from the diary - um, * Kikki K diary * notebook * panadinefort (just in case the back returns) * present for a certain newborn baby who I am a surrogate Aunty to; Miss Mabel Jennifer * eyedrops for computer/chlorine protection * mp3 player * bracelets & earrings (I seem to take of sparkly things more then I put them on!)* old bus tickets * keys * wallet * loose card of some sort * old tissue * nice blue pen * work security pass * goggles for chlorine protection - that I never use * Kiehl's Pear perfume (Yum!!) * necklace the wonder O, N & (Miss Mabel's Mum!!!) A gave me for my 21st * sunnies * usb cord * zip up Mimco bag I have had since 2002 and it is still perfect and cute!

Three things ...

Left - My diary is full of envelopes and obviously not a tool I use to help me be organised, more a square container for bills with a little ribbon attached. My notebook is most commonly written in at bus stops or lunch times and often suddenly broken off.

Right - My key ring is very old - lovelyS__ gave it to me years ago when he managed a record store and it has a picture of Nick Lachey on it, and on the other side WHAT'S LEFT OF ME in big letters. I find it amusing so I keep it. The little clog is from him to, that I keep as it is an appropriate key ring thing.

Left - This is the inside of my wallet - I only bought it two weeks ago from Mushu, a shop a block up the road on the street I used to live on in a little white terrace in Surry Hills and I love it (love the wallet I mean.)

Thanks to perky pretty host punky & me and theme queen The Textured Left.

State of the ribbon

2010-02-08T01:05:00.005+11:00

The brownhairblueribbon definition of blogging..? Well more then just a verb or a noun. To me it is writing, reading, lurking, commenting, scrawling through Kootoyoo archives when your lunch time ended 5 mins ago but you are sure you remember she did a great tutorial for something you want to attempt to make tonight..
Its memes, and hesitant thank-you-for-writing-I-think-you-are-tops emails, and fun swaps & gifts & giveaways - and not necessarily winning giveaways and participating in every meme, but observing and being part of the nice little whirlpool we (the bloggers) create and ensconce each other in.

The best part of blogging is that I like it, and its nice to spend time doing things that you like.
The second best thing is making friends- well maybe not friends, but fellow tale sharers who care and are warm and lovely (I would not want to be so arrogant as to presume to be friends with every one, but the relationship is definitely more then an acquaintance!) and feeling a part of something.
Even before I started writing and commenting, when I would dance from page to page, (I didn't even have a readerthingy- just a lot of bookmarks!) even before I did literally participate, I felt a part of a world full of lovely people who cooked and crafted and photographed and wore materials in original manners and inspired people to try things & to talk to each other, and collaged, and shared their life and their joys and their lesson-to-be-learnt-here-at-sometime moments.

I walk past this sign every day, it is for a musical instrument and such paraphernalia shop. The dog on the sign reminds me of my favourite internet dog friend, who I hope is getting better.

I am going to have a giveaway in a week, its a bit of a random giveaway, but it will have things in it that mean something to me - although not the most important somethings; never fear, no sisters will be sent in the post. (I hope at least two people enter!) and I am going to keep writing theblueribbon, its been a year and a half I think.

When I started this post I included links to lots of lovely blogs, but the whole entry turned into links! My blog roll is up to date and full of special people who are probably your friends too .. But this post was inspired by (apart from Barney & his girl companion,) a need to acknowledge that there are people who make you want to continue.
There is the always warm Tania, and the two first commentors (who where not my family/lovelyS__) - Sara & Midge, and these two girls Sara & Kate -who's posts over the weekend perfectly demonstrated the warm whirlpool, and there is a person who made me feel humbled, Ms Bird Bath but so happy that we can share our tales.
Oh and Pip of course, and the lady who's archives I have read many times & who's honesty and beautiful words finally inspired me to start typing, honey.

Book I Love - The Book Thief

2010-02-06T19:41:00.001+11:00

I have finally read this.. While eating a chocolate orange, which was in honor of my friend A__ who is meant to have had her & J__'s baby on the 2nd of Feb. Still no baby arrival news has floated through from London.. But its in the wind!

The Book Thief was (I suppose officially still is) sold as juvenile fiction. So is Markus Zusak's other book that I have read "I am the Messenger."
The Book Thief is a good story, written well.

I liked the flowery language and evocative descriptions, it is a story narrated by Death. Zusak makes Death not a romantic figure, but a soul like any of ours, searching for beauty in any place he can, just to try to get through.. Death describes blood staining through a bandage as cherries, which "bloom into plums." Death searches for colours and moments that are a vacation from his every day.. Not so different from us.

My Place and Yours - Show us your shoes Imelda!

2010-01-31T19:58:00.004+11:00

I worked in a Shoe shop for a year or so. That was hard work, my boss was an a*hole, and the shoes were not to my liking really and the staff I had to lead are best left unspoken about..

But I do like shoes, they are practical and also lack practicality and often in my choice, are shiny.

When we were all little Mama would only ever buy us Clarks style sandals and lace ups and sneakers that were not LA Gear or Reebok as they were a waste of money - it was Apple Pie all the way. I longed to be one of the girls with mary janes and those little white socks with frills round the ankle.. Mama had a poem on the fridge -

Choosing Shoes by Frida Wolfe

New shoes, new shoes,

Red and pink and blue shoes.

Tell me, what would you choose,

If they'd let us buy?

Buckle shoes, bow shoes,

Pretty pointy-toe shoes,

Strappy, cappy low shoes;

Let's have some to try.

Bright shoes, white shoes,

Dandy-dance-by-night shoes,

Perhaps-a-little-tight shoes,

Like some? So would I.

BUT

Flat shoes, fat shoes,

Stump-along-like-that shoes,

Wipe-them-on-the-mat shoes,

That's the sort they'll buy.

It came up in conversation when she was down at Christmas time and we recited it to each other as we walked down King st in search of Thai food. Oh Mama, so cute she is!

So assembled school photo style are some I pulled from the cupboard;

Back - Left t Right

Tweed point sisterI__ bought in London when she worked there when she was 18 that she left here when she moved to Berlin and I captured gleefully.
Blue cork wedge $19 shoes from Target - since the ankle breakage I can only wear wedge heels if ever and these are lovely and retro and cotton - which is great for $19!
Pointy black fancy shoes, worn in times of the bushfire love affair.
Bluey-green peep toes, I love the retro styling and the colour.. These were super fash 3 or so years ago, I care not for such things, they are cute shoes!

Middle

Cheap flats I dyed a nice blue - comfy and my ankle doesn't hurt when I wear them!
My shiny blue metalic sandals from a few summers ago, actually I was wearing these when I broke my ankle, but I still love them, it wasn't their fault.
Silver ballet flats from Witchery, old and worn every where, remind me of lovelyS__ and dressing up.
Shiney blue cheapos - never worn, I am just magpie like and collect things that sparkle, like my sisters laughter and cheap flats.

Front

My thongs I bought from General Pants at the Belconnen Mall in 2002. I love them. I have a funny* foot eczema thing and I don't get that from these thongs.

Many thanks to the new host of MP&Y - Punky & Me and also to theme queen The Craft Gypsy.

*Funny should be read as horrid, painful, itchy, puss filled, gross, uncommon, evil eczema.

Food I Made - Summer Salad w/ Clove Roasted Carrots & Haloumi

2010-01-31T02:34:00.004+11:00

I'm not a cooking revolutionary, I can put together flavours and I enjoy to cook and I don't burn things despite the best efforts of my oven (which I am gradually taming, after 3 plus years here at the flat-above-the-deli..)
But here I present the first of another one of my irregular features (like 'at home' - which did turn into the My Place and Yours meme and 'random inspiration') - Food I Made - that I thought you might like too.

Summer Salad with Chick Peas, Clove Roasted Carrots and Haloumi.

Can of Chick Peas
4-6 Carrots, depending on size of the orange beasts
Baby Spinach / leafy Greens but not ones with to much bite (ie Spicy Rocket or Endive related as they will hide the other flavours.)
Roasted Capsicum, sliced into thin long bits - I strongly advocate the smittenkitchen way of roasting capsicums (1/2 way down page on link given) plus that way if you don't have any in a jar, you can do them with the carrots!
Haloumi - as much as you can damn well carry home from place of purchase.
Mustard seeds (I used black, but yellow would be good too) and Cloves.
Chives, Parsley, Oregano and Lemon Basil, not finely chopped. (May sustitute if you so desire, these herbs needed picking from the window box so the may the bowl!)
Olive Oil - Lemon Juice - Honey - Red Wine Vinegar.

Turn on oven for roasting. In motor & pestle grind up Mustard seeds and 3-4 cloves. Peel and dice carrots into maybe 2-3cm ish cubes. In roasting tray toss carrots, spice mix and some olive oil, add extra cloves and salt pepper if wished for - maybe some garlic cloves? Roast until cooked through and sweet (the spices roasting will smell yum!)

In a jar add some olive oil, 2-3 table spoons lemon juice and 2 table spoons red wine vinegar and a teaspoon or so of honey. Shake until honey is all dissolved. (My Mama uses this dressing for dressing a green salad and then you can add garlic and more honey if you like but as with the spicy lettuce - I don't want the honey to dominate over the cloves, jus t, uh, 'whisper' beside it!)

Drain Chick Peas, in a bowl combine them with the Capsicum and your fresh herbs 'o choice.

Slice Haloumi up so all people get even amount so there is no cause for Haloumi related arguments and fry / grill to your liking.

While Halomi cooking multi task and toss Carrots from oven to bowl with Chick Peas etc, add dressing and coat evenly. Now you can add your greens in here too, but I like to keep them crispy and so I try to make them touch the hot carrots/haloumi last ... so ...

Serve Spinach/Greens on plates, top with yummy dressed Chick Peas & Carrots, top with Haloumi and serve with lemon for squeezing on cheese if desired and garlic cloves if you roasted those too!

Ok - that was my first recipe. Like I said, not revolutionary, but yummy and worth it just to smell the cloves roasting in the oven!

Kitchen Benches

2010-01-29T16:24:00.003+11:00

Remember those sweet salad days when I could move and attend work and wasn't a back cursing pauper?

Well back then I used to do things like cook tarts. Which I would take pictures of sitting on the kitchen benches. Please see photo to your right..

The kitchen benches have for as long as I have lived in the flat-above-the-deli been covered in strange brown peeling away contact paper stuff.

One day I peeled it off one of the benches, and another day I peeled it off the other two benches. The melamine under the contact paper is totally cute!

And I think matches the super cute oven..

back pain

2010-01-28T00:32:00.001+11:00

My back is super sore and I have been in a pain killer induced haze for a while. Is very annoying. Tomorrow brings an expensive new physio and I hope less hurting, more ability to go to work and do things, like walk to bathroom and make a cup of tea with out crying out in pain.
Its hard to read/write at computer, as I can't really sit upright.
In other news, I have watched all four seasons of How I Met Your Mother.

Boring!

Birthday Cake

2010-01-18T10:07:00.006+11:00

Over this weekend I made my sisterB__ a Red Velvet Cake for her 24th Birthday. It wasn't red really. Not enough colouring I guess, but it was fancy looking and nice tasting and a fitting tribute to a damn wonderful girl.

wipe that taste away

2010-01-17T22:06:00.051+11:00

That figure sitting in the tunnel to the station / other side of the tracks is Bastian. He is there most afternoons, and sometimes in the evenings. Sometimes in the quiet heat of a Sunday when I am up in my room in our flat I can hear him singing while I am putting my freshly washed clothes away.

It was sisterB__'s Birthday this weekend which was lovely. LovelyS__ is dating a person, which is fine, and not the first time that he has done this since we broke up - but I got upset for reasons that I don't really understand myself.

I was in an odd mood I guess. But I got to cook a lot of foods that were enjoyed by people at sisterB__'s little party, and in the end time and writing and chats with my Mum on the phone and hugs from sisters and skype with other sisters and lovelyS__ chats and laps in the pool and episodes of Chuck downloaded from itunes and You Am I and Beth Orton make it ok, I end up ok, not hiding in bluesheets. It ends up ok. No bitter after-taste of a weekend spent in hiding.

I have lived in my home, the flat-above-the-deli, since September 2007. Everything moves and changes and I manage to stay here, and Bastian sings and strums his guitar, often with only two or three strings.

I wash the dishes and hum How Much is Enough.

Would it stain
If the lights fell down on your name
And each face began to look all the same
How much is enough?
Did you ever want to just lose touch with everybody you know?
In the morning
When you've wiped his taste away
The last of the red and all the records you played
How much is enough?
Did you ever want to just lose touch with everybody who heard?

Tea Towel Swap - those blanks are ready and waiting

2010-01-17T20:57:00.001+11:00

So top of my little stash is a pile of blank tea towels, sent to me from this lovely lass. This lovely lass has sent all us participants our swap matches and now I really must decide what to print!
Yay!

knitting girl card

2010-01-14T13:17:00.001+11:00

I gave my dear-song-singing-long-time-friend N__ this card with a little gift when we caught up in Canberra for New Years (yeah I went to Canberra for New Years. It was lovely to see my friends and that is why I went but I find it kinda alien and odd down there. Very bittersweet indeed.)

It is so cute. I bought two and am giving one to sisterB__ for her 24th birthday too.

This Pigeonhole seems like a wonderful little shop, I want many things from them. Mostly more of these amazingly cute TTable-Office paper goods.

Prob every one knows of these TTable-Office lovelys, but I didn't.

Oh! Look at their cute office where the chair legs get socks!

Google searches can make a girl happy! (and their translate page can make that Korean website into boring old english.)

Pictures from the pigeonhole shop and the pigeonhole blog.

words on a brick / rambling story told in the style of my rambling Aunt* in honour of Family Festive season just passed.

2010-01-12T16:04:00.003+11:00

No, I am not in love, except with Liz Lemon. Just happy to be back, holidays are over and already the year two thousand and ten is better then that other year that only gets referred to via only numbers as is best not spoken about 2009.
For example, about two hours ago I was in my little local supermarket - not the one underneath us - the one over the other side of the tracks.

The lovely checkout chick there was serving another lady (seriously this girl is the loveliest checkout chick ever, and has been in charge of about 165 checkout chicks over the course of my previous working lives so I do know a thing about judging lovely and not-so-lovely checkout chicks..)

So Loveliest Checkout Chick (lets call her LCC shall we?) is chatting with the lady who she was serving, and they greeted each other like the oldest of friends (but look that is how LCC greets me too so you know, it just goes to show how she really is the LCC) and the two of them were asking after the pleasantness of each other’s festive celebration times and then the lady says, “Oh and I am in remission now you know.”
And LCC lets out an exclamation “Really? WAHOO!!”
Then she looks up the line at the 2 or 3 of us there and goes “That’s gotta be a wahoo from everyone right?”
and I murmured, “Oh yes, of course its great” in a flustered, what-happened-to-that-anonymously-standing-in-line-that-I-was-doing-there kind of way.
The lady at the counter is beaming at us (the line) and the LCC once more says, “Really its awesome, it’s Wahoo worthy,” and the man behind me had his little girl with him and she can’t withstand it any longer and starts dancing round yelling “Wahoowahoo wahhhoooo.” Twirling and singing marvellously.

Then we were all smiling and laughing and the lady pays and says a general good bye and I get served and leave, and felt happy. I think that, that was the closest to spontaneous breaking out into a musical number that I have ever experienced in my life.

It was wahoo worthy.

*The Aunt mentioned in the title does not actually exist.

Look! It is me!

2010-01-09T00:32:00.000+11:00

Please excuse the silly myspace-esq self portraits, but I cut my hair on Monday. Literally. I cut my hair into a nice curly longish bob. All by myself. Back of head hair not at all mulleted either!

I am quite proud!

Now, re pictures - I am not smiley and my lips are all chapped so Sorry about that.. But its hard not to feel like a wanker doing self portraits on one's phone while sitting on one.s couch, and my nice new Burt's Bees Lip Balm was in my bag in the kitchen and that was at least 2.5 meters away...

Holiday trading hours have ended and New Years Resolution to post two times a week shall (beattemptedforaperiodoftimebeforewaiveringoff) hours begin from now on.

In the spirit of New Years; I love yous all.

Christmas Eve

2009-12-27T13:58:00.004+11:00

1- Teddy attacking wrapping paper. 2- Our stockings in a row. 3- Mama's stocking that sisterB__ made her. 4- Tree that I made from a branch. 5- Tree and brown paper packages tied up with wool. 6- Garland. 7- Words of love. 8- Doily dove garland. 9- Lovely Doily Doves. 10- Mama & her youngest discuss marshmallow & jube placement. 11- Gingerbread House!! 12- Salad for dinner, before day of feasting! 13- Teddy sniffs out the Tree. 14- Teddy eats the tree.

It's home ...

2009-12-24T14:29:00.001+11:00

... aka thoughts born from the Myrtle & Eunice theme (Wherever I lay my hat, that’s my home) from Pip's My Place and Yours game..

aka: I did find an item that meant home - but it took a while, and this was my thought process..
aka: I have so many overdue ~~librarybooks~~ blog posts, damn laptop breaking!

It’s the citrus smell of the leaves from the gum tree outside the terrace I lived in during first year. It’s the smell of the ash leaves, fallen from their trees and laying ankle deep and burning red on the road, we wade through them walking up the hill on the way home from high school. It’s a neighbour's frangipani overpowered by the rubbish from the deli’s bins out in the lane way, greeting me at the front door. It’s N__'s pillow warm, from his imprint, stolen from his side of the bed to hold while he went off to the gym.

It’s the noise of jumbos flying into Sydney Airport, swooping oh so low over our roof. It’s the sound of my sisters singing; Cher in the car while sisterS__ drives us to civic; Evita; Joseph & the Technicolour Dreamcoat; Les Mis; times-tables songs; Christmas carols by the piano; Beyonce while doing the dishes.. It’s O__ in the town house opposite playing She's a Maniac loudly across the spring air in 1997. It’s Cherish in A__’s pink Torana, all 5 of us laughing our heads off on the way to college. It was B__ on the answering machine late that night when I was just 18, cooling the heat of the summer with his tired far away happy voice.

It’s Mama’s handwriting – perfect copperplate, my Dad’s scrawl, my sister's loops and flurries. It’s lovelyS__'s long fingers climbing over his guitar strings, playing the blues so damn well it makes a girl happy.

It’s the way a door handle turns, the knack to turning the key in the lock, knowing just how hard to hit the second draw down in the kitchen with your hip so it shuts. It’s the crunch under foot of the gravel driveway. It’s the blinding sun reflecting off the white painted Surry Hills terrace while you climb the steps to the door. It's the way he kisses me, the way I tuck my hand round his arm when we walk down the street.

It’s the view of the city and the powerlines from my bed. It’s the light on top of Mount Ainslie flashing through my bed room window. It’s the sunlight reflected off the pool dancing on the kitchen roof. It’s Beth Orton in the back ground while I read the paper on a lazy Saturday afternoon. Its Grandma’s prize winning crochet doleys, face washers, and handtowels, bits of beautiful old fashioned craft that we all took for granted.
It’s the taste of Mama’s Lasagne.

It’s me. Every where I have lived, all sixteen houses, all thirty one + flatmates, all four lovers, I am the only constant, and I am all I need to be at home.
(Well me and the strength of my sisters & Mama.)

what's hot + what's not - 17 Dec

2009-12-17T12:43:00.002+11:00

Hot things...

• Reading Georgette Hyer books and realising that your speech is starting to become peppered with words such as dastardly, fagged, trifle foxed and dicked in the nob.*
• Watching sisterB__'s cat Teddy play with wrapping paper and ribbons while we organise presents to be sent to the overseas sisters.
• Day dreaming at bus stops.
• my sisterB__ is brave and great and fun and a top flatmate.
• Wonderful pictures of other bloggers Christmas plans and happy children and wonderful decorations.
• Get to see wonderfulA__ this weekend as she is up from Canberra for a visit.
• Get to see N__ and O__ for new years..

Not things...

• Feeling super tired quite a lot.
• Having a fight. (Even though it wasn't that bad, its still not a hot thing!)
• My new laptop is broken and I have v limited 'net access and cannot comment on blogs and share my joy and thanks for other people's sharing.
• Sending presents to overseas sisters quite late, so they probably won't be there by Christmas even though paid for expensive air-mail-super-fast-option.
• Price of air-mail-super-fast-option overseas package posting.
• Get to see N__ and O__ for new years.. But in Canberra!!
• Hmm, tiredness makes me grumpy and that is a lot of nots.

Hot and Nots brought to you by the very nice blog Loobylu and her friends who play along.

*May not have actually used dicked in the nob, however wish too asap. May need to have another fight!

The story of when I bought an expensive electronic good and I cried.

2009-12-16T15:09:00.001+11:00

Last night I bought an expensive electronic good and I cried.
I cried cos in the car on the way home from lashoppingmall lovely S__ and I had a fight.

I got him to come with me to help me pick a TV, we had been discussing how I would need to get one since when we broke up, and I had helped him go shopping for house stuff and you know, it was a plan. But he obviously wanted to be some place else..

I was disturbing his evening off but still, if he didn't want to be there he should just say.

Then I said a dumb thing that was meant to be funny but wasn't but he took far too much offence at and then said a thing to me and then I said another thing to him and then I got angry cos he says far more inappropriate things to me all the time and I don't get mad and how dare he say that and I let you stay in my damn house for months and yell yell yell.

He carried the TV inside and left and I followed him to his car and stood there being angry at him and him at me and then I cried and he drove off and then I went inside and then I sat at the kitchen table and cried.

I cried because it is horrid fighting. I cried because I have not lost control for a while and I could feel it (it is the uncontrollable emotion demon creature of course) creeping its long spindly fingers inside my mind while I stood beside the car outside my house spitting words at lovelyS__.
Oh, I hate those fingers. If they pry me open, I am afraid of ending up back in bed to hide from the world in my blue sheets. I am afraid of crying till I can't breathe and I have another panic attack.. And then another one.

sisterB__ came home from pilates and she listened and got angry at lovelyS__ on my behalk in a myopic sister way and said all the right things and I tried to call him but he texted and said not yet.

I calmed down.

I learnt 'tis ok to let the emotion in sometimes. To not be afraid of giving in to the crying - sometimes its ok to let it out and it doesn't mean it will end with me having a panic attack.

Ever since I stopped taking the anti-depressants I have been worried about feelings. I am still trying to keep things even. Avoiding social things where I might get nervous, deliberately apologising even when I don't want to just to so as to keep the peace. ...
... In fact I felt it would be more stressful for me demanding that lovelyS__ leave then not, (and he was all afraid of moving into a share house which as I predicted he loves. Sigh. I know everything.) and in part I think that is why I let him stay for 4 months after we broke up. Also I do like the boy.

I am a doormat to my own fear of losing control and spiralling into depression and bluesheets.

But every time I am pushed to what I feel is an edge - it turns out ok. I am ok.
For this I am proud.

Oh and lovelyS__ and I are ok I think. We talked and it seemed fine, and I don;t think he thinks I am a crazy freak who he hates and will never speak to again, so take that spindly fingers of doubt and panic and hate. Take that.

what's hot + what's not - 9th Dec

2009-12-09T11:43:00.002+11:00

Hot things…

sisterB__ has moved into the-flat-above-the-deli, she brought this sleepy creature with her :::
I am back to blogging (via memes, but still, hello!)
Lovely dinners with char grilled vegetables, home made yogurt cheese and lovely girls.
My new bed! It is pretty and makes me feel like a sleepy princess.
All the things we bought from Ikea have been built, and it is fun to have new shiny furniture items!
Summer/Christmas feelings in the air.
Mama comes to visit on the 21st.
Eating rice paper rolls - mint, poached chicken, crips vegetables, soft wrapping = yum!

Not things…

Visit to Canberra two weekends ago was horrid, (!) with bad interactions with my Dad and no time to see friends or go to see a certain very lovely lady's pictures.
Building Ikea things - A red Billy, a brown Benno, 8 damn Kassett boxes, 2 Frosta stools, One PS Cabinet, one Lillesand bed - and feeling guilty for buying mass produced brand new, not very sustainable furniture.. Sorry Salvo's on Princes Hwy..
Have not finished making sisterI__'s Christmas present (the one that needs to go to Germany!) Have not even thought of something for sisterS__'s Christmas present (the one that needs to go to London.) Have not sent cards. Have not made cookies. Have not sewn Christmas garlands. Cannot decide what to cook for the big day.. Oh dear!

Weekly therapy and celebration session courtesy of lovely loobylu.

My Place and Yours - That's Nice, That's Different, That's Unusual

2009-12-09T10:24:00.001+11:00

On Right - Little alcove in hallway. You may have met the dancing inhabitants way back when.

On Left - Here is the fuse box for the house, located to the right of the mantelpiece in my bedroom. Industrial wall art ...

On Above - And in the lounge room, over by the window is a completely inexplicable, but very securely-attached-to-wall doorbell sounder and button.. No idea what that is doing there at all, and it is impossible to remove. Odd.

Thanks to The WildThing meetmeatmikes and to littlesuitcase for a top theme

da da dah don't you, forget about me

2009-12-02T00:17:00.002+11:00

I am having an Ally Sheedy moment, well really an Allison Reynolds moment. You know, in Breakfast Club, where she looks up and says that her home life is unsatisfying.
Anyway, thats how I feel. Not about home though.
Many things, Canberra visit was not fun (to say the least) and then when I got back on Sunday night all I wanted to do was watch Glee and relax and the TV had gone with lovelyS__ and the net was not working so I could not watch online and I went to bed all angry and frustrated and woke up the same way.. Not a good Mondaymorning moment.

I am winding wool round a bit of fallen gum tree to make a Christmas tree and I am going to watch a dvd. Maybe something Jane Austin related.. That will improve things.

Posts that actually mean something will resume soon. Probably in a day or so. Between then I have lovelyS__'s Birthday and a planned trip to Ikea (yesyes-cheap bookcases I hear your call..) and sisterB__ moving in and the carpets need to be cleaned and how much does that cost anyway?

Oh and I am kinda enjoying my week as a spinster, I went shopping tonight until 9pm and then I ate fruit for dinner. This morning I left my undies on the bathroom floor and didn't have to worry about everyone else being grossed out.

Oh and laMall is full of clothes I used to wear when I was 12/13 - I laughed out loud at a spotty skirt I saw in Sportsgirl's window. Oh dear, I am a member of the spotted skirt fan-club normally, just this one looked exactly like one I wore to a grade 5/6 dance where we all run round singing Cream by Prince, (needless to say completely oblivious to the meaning of the lyrics, it was just in the top 10 at the time.)

Oh and enough babble.

My Place and Yours - My Collection

2009-11-26T15:34:00.004+11:00

I have many little collections. We all have many little collections, some people also have big collections. Probably the biggest collection I have is undeleted text messages. I am really quite bad at "cleaning out" my phone's inbox. This is more an accidental collection.

Its been interesting & lovely seeing everyone's collections this week. Some collections are ones that were passed on to people, some collections were hunted and searched and sniffed out with passion and determination, some are born from necessity - but are no less wonderful and treasured because of it.

I collect sisters, memories, coloured pencils, necklaces, stolen kisses, flat soled shoes, coloured glass bowls/vases/glasses&mugs, postcards, handwriting, hugs, scraps of paper, text messages ..

Here are three plates stuck to the wall of my kitchen, this is a new collection. The one on the bottom left was my Mama's when she was a youngster.

These pictures are not so good are they? Bit fuzzy. Sorry! I think I have fixed that!

The pictures do also show my basket held collection of spice jars and a small collection featuring 3 teas that sisterI__'s friend bought her back from a holiday he went on.. So maybe they are fuzzy pictures as so many collections cannot exist in one picture without resolution damage..?

Gosh, there are collections every which where!

Thanks so much to meetmeatmikes and theme queen Kate from Foxs Lane.

What’s Hot + What'sNot - 25th Nov

2009-11-25T11:51:00.001+11:00

Hot things…

Walking round the corner of the laneway I live in on Monday morning on way to work and the big poster by the station has been changed from an ad for flavoured milk to one for Where the Wild Things Are.

My little sister (sisterB__) is back from a week in Japan and full of lovely lovely tales and is moving in to the-flat-above-the-deli (where I live) in two weeks time.
lovelyS__ has got a place all sorted out and it is very near by and will be off to live there come Saturday. We are friends and things between us remain strong and loyal and happy and good. (We kick arse at breaking up!)
My friend from school Kim who is amazing (and a bit of a spunk) and riding round the world to Copenhagen. Please have a look at his story!
Off to Canberra with sisterB__ on Sat, to clean out remnants, flotsam and treasured childhood scraps from the ‘ol family homestead for the last time.

Not things…

Off to Canberra with sisterB__ on Sat, to clean out remnants, flotsam and treasured childhood scraps from the ‘ol family homestead for the last time.
How rushed the Government is making the passage of the ETS through parliament, with no time to properly debate or investigate the bill, or get valid responses about why the proposed legislation is really not enough.

Oh another hot thing.. Loobylu for creating this game. It is very good for the soul I think - we get to vent and to celebrate all in one go!

It is not OK - (I am OK though)

2009-11-25T08:18:00.004+11:00

Today is White Ribbon Day.

Here are some Sweet Peas on my bedside table last night. I have trouble growing Sweet Peas, I try every year and I seem to always have planted to late or picked a not sunny enough spot or maybe I don't give them enough fairy floss flavoured fertiliser. Who knows.

White Ribbon has a page of people who can help.
Its scary to talk about, but in the end I called the police and they looked after me and no one, my friends or my Mum or the Police or my boss ever said anything about how it was my fault and I was an idiot and that I had caused this, and why had I not left straight away, why had it taken months and months and why was I weak and why did I let this happen.. No one said anything I feared they would say.

Well of course they didn't - I was a bit lost in a whirlpool of crapness and I didn't at all have an accurate perspective of what people would think or feel, or how they would act towards me. I blamed me for the violence happening, and I blamed me for staying, and I was embarrassed about staying so I lied about the violence. But then I was guilty about lying and I knew what I would say to a friend in my position and I was embarrassed that I was doing every thing opposite..

People - as soon as I made the smallest squeak regarding needing help - all helped me, never judged me or asked me why I stayed. With time and counselling they helped me gain perspective. I went to court and I spoke, gave evidence, was cross examined, told that I was making the whole thing up. But I did not let a lawyer tell me that it was my fault, or that it was a lie, a fabrication.

After court I went to counselling.

It is one and a bit years since I made that call. Right now, I am running late for work, but I am happy and not guilty and not scared. I am a brave woman.

I hate to sound like an idiot, but typing "I am a brave woman" brought tears into my eyes. Sometimes its hard to admit these good things to your self!

printing, pontificating, procrastinating

2009-11-22T18:00:00.001+11:00

I am participating in this tea towel swap - I thought when I saw it posted "Oh what a great idea" and did nothing as I assumed I was to scared and not creative enough. But then I realised I wasn't too scared and I am fine in the creative department and I emailed Sooz and she was lovely and well I am in!
I have put in my order for blanks with the lovely Kate as well (more charming blog folk..) and last night I was home alone and I was drinking minty lemon ice ice water watching the pirate movie on channel 7 and drawing pictures and it was damn fun!

Its hard organising time to do things. Sorry, thats not true - I have heaps of time. Its hard for me to be motivated and to break bad habits.

I need to write more, and I need to create more. It makes me happy. Just like cooking de stresses me so does writing a page, slapping paint round and weaving kiss shaped stitches through Aida fabric.
When I am at my desk at work I crave to be at home at my desk/sewing corner but when I am home I am too tired, or I have to cook dinner, and the dishes from last night need to be done still, and I will just watch Glee and not get sucked into watching Drazic on the police show but then I do and now I am sleepy and I'll just look at facebook and googlereader and its bed time.

I have not even put up pictures of my lovely esk and sewing corner which was meant to be the sequel to my 'inspiration walls' pictures of early teenagehood post- bejesus.
I am going to go and tidy the desk up a little and take pictures. And then sew, bedammed dirty dishes and 42 degree heat and need to lie on bed staring at smoke covered city thinking about nothing.

Action!

on my way round my town

2009-11-20T20:55:00.002+11:00

This is my desk at the new job. I found a really cute mug in the coffee mug cupboard, I also brought in some Lavender bits from my pot plant, they smell nice. The job is good. The walking there and back is great..

Here are some sights..

Frogs at the gate - Hedge of Aloe Vera - Pavement stone announcing long since amalgamated Municipal Council area - Bain Playground (I always thought this was called bairn playground, as in small child, I have in built Scottish flavoured auto read!) - My feet mid-walk through the park.

Hello Ladies

2009-11-19T22:26:00.003+11:00

I Love Rizzo, and I love Elizabeth Taylor.

I have a thing for women with dark hair and tragic strength..?

Lets not read any thing into it.

They are just awesome ladies.

You're ridin' it, dude! Check it out! aka East Australian Current aka Finding Nemo Quote

2009-11-16T22:12:00.005+11:00

So last week was my last week at my old job and I got the flu. I had already arranged to finish up on the Thursday and praise be I did as otherwise I would have had to call in sick on the Friday..

What is up with flu having in November during a heat wave?

So with the aid of cold and flu tablets and much sleeping over the weekend I went to the new job today. It is good.

Things are all moving around and I am kinda floating on the current.

Well I think I am floating, and then I look around and realise I am making changes myself.

The boys are moving out, flatmateM__ has found a flat and lovelyS__ is (finally) moving on too.

I don't mind lovelyS__ still being here, but you know, it has been an age since we ended and while I am nervous about what will happen next I am excited that we are truly such good friends.

So my youngest sister, sisterB__ is moving in. She has her own tales going on and I am excited and also nervous to see what will happen with us two together again. She had just finished uni and is in Japan with her boyfriend for a week.

I am speaking to my Dad again, I am exercising a bit more often, on my personal trainer (aka my PT dahling)'s recommendation I have joined weight watchers! Not sure how that will go. I am a good cook and really don't eat crap/rubbish things, I just have weight that I put on from the broken ankle and the medication and I need help to get 'back on track' I guess. That said am also classic short curvy Scottish girl so will always be rounded, just don't want to feel so blah any more.

I have started a new story. I have stopped playing the Sims! I am gardening away happily, defending my blooms from the sun. I am working out a budget. I am going to ask the real estate agent if I can paint the bathroom.

White wash, fresh start, window flung open to catch the breeze.

new things and the importance of shade

2009-11-11T17:39:00.010+11:00

You know a while ago when I mended things and said I might buy another notebook?

Well I did. I could not resist it! This is it in its shopping bag at Newtown station the other day.

The blue reminded me of this brilliant pelican, although is not as stunning (meaning notebook is not as stunning as pelican.)

You can also see my ankle scar a bit in this picture - it is just a year now since I got my cast off. Yipee!

The other new thing? See the dappled shade cast onto the wall of my house in this picture? Well it is no more.

The real estate in their wisdom, ordered the removal of this tree in our courtyard and now the courtyard is overly sunny and bare and I fear my poor shade growing busy lizzies will not be long for this world in the heat.

They (the realestate tree haters) had said they were just removing a broken old flower bed on the other side of the courtyard, but they cut the shade tree.

We had a clothes line running from hooks on the house wall over too and wrapped round some of the trees strong branches and now I have no clothes line!

When I got home and first saw this I had a little cry!

Trees matter.

The other new thing? Da dah ---- New job - 25mins walking distance from my house.

Oh joy! Farewell train to Liverpool, hello morning stroll through Camperdown.

I start that on the approaching Monday. Its only a 7 month contract but it will be a great 7 months!

Inspiration Boards.

2009-11-09T16:06:00.005+11:00

Apparently I started the draft of this post on the 20.09.09.. Wow, that is a lot of stop-starting.

So we all love inspiration boards / walls / fridges / messy scrap books with half the contents not yet pasted in / record cards / draws full of avant cards you have been collecting since 1995 that you never look at but might need one day.. While not strictly inspiration boards, here is some of my past glory.

(ohoh! and coming soon - I will show you my current glory ie brand new desk and pin board set up!)

So this is me in grade 6. I was 12, it was 1992.

I loved 90210, Shannen Doherty, Luke Perry (that faux 50's hair do!) and Madonna. Also I seemed to like bows.

Also I seemed to like words cut out of Dolly magazine, blu-tacked to the wall is boyfriend, beauty and jump... I think I also have a small cut out of either INXS or Southern Sons up there..

You know I hope it is Southern Sons..

This is me in the start of year 8, it would have been 1994. I covered my wall from ceiling to floor with 'inspiration.'

You will see there, to the right of moi a poster of that McDonald's ad where some James Dean esq man walked down the street.. I am not sure if I found this inspiring. Well I know that I did not. He is underneath Jodie Foster and a painting I did in pre-school so I was doing ok there I think..

Ethan Hawke - I still liked boys who used hair product I guess. Oh and it was the year of Reality Bites.. Sigh. I love that movie.

Axl Rose is on the wall, a picture I drew myself of purple leaves against yellow, body shop poster and a pencil sketch of Marilyn Monroe, popeye and a kit kat ad made out of post it notes that I remember I thought was funny.. and a teddy bear on the bed..

Also pls note!! I am wearing a bodysuit under a shift dress, such a very cool outfit in 1994 times! ... Also pls note - this is exactly what I saw in Sportsgirl at Broadway on Saturday ..

And hello long skirt! I have not seen anything like this at the mall yet, but I give it about a month. (I am holding a teddy bear - can we say contrived?)

I am in year 9, its towards the end of 1995.

So, see Mal Maniga's head and the clutter round that, and to the left of the Evan Dando poster - the shmaozal of clutter.. I had started to make inspiration collages! Basically I would stick things (notes from class, movie tickets, little things cut from magazines etcetc)that were far-to-precious-to-ever-part-with on big posters (I possibly used the back of a certain McDonald's ad)

Pearl Jam; Evan Dando; a picture of the Beatles on the roof; a photo of my Granny C__..

Also look at that bedside lamp - where did that lovely thing go I wonder!

So what has remained? I still love;

» old episodes of 90210, with a passion only equalled by the go fug yourself girls I feel, not many share those feelings!

» Madonna, pre Ray of Light I have to say.

» Bows and Ribbons are still tops.

» I do like boyfriends & jumping. Am not sure I agree with Dolly's concept of beauty..

» Reality does bite, but was nothing like that movie - and Reality can be a bit tamed; taught good manners and to sit and wait at the kerb before crossing the road. Reality Nibbles would maybe be a better name for my post uni freak out movie ..

» Me in year 9 - well yeah all that stuff is pretty much still me. Although I don't really like Pearl Jam, or collect souvenirs s of Rugby League matches any more.

Oh the 90's - I am lost in you and without you.

I am the eggman, and a walrus and maybe a hat wearing princess warrior

2009-11-03T13:59:00.011+11:00

Soo, this is one of those posts I have been writing for a while.

Its a bit about me, and a bit about my space here that I have, and a bit Lee Strasberg and what is my motivation here any way...

This is the old info bit about me..

I am changing this. But I wanted to just explain some stuff.

I love blogs. I like to read a mixture of types of blogs. I am an awful lurker, and most blogs I have been reading for years and don't comment or participate..

I decided to start writing this while I was having treatment for Post Traumatic Stress / Long Term Depression. It (leblog) was to be a tool to help me be 'real' with myself - to help me realise and rationalise my behaviours.

A while ago Pip from Meet Me at Mikes wrote an entry about the why&who of our personal blogs..

I am just me, I am not pushing an agenda, and this is not meant to be a blog about only craft, or only books and writing, or only food, or only boys, or only silly adorable Mother's, or only sisters who breathe life and soul and joy into our worlds.. Its about me and those things are all part of me so that is what I will mention. Along with any thing else I feel like mentioning!

I just don't want anyone to think that I am all&only about sadness or recovering from depression..

I am just contributing - being - and enjoying interacting with other lovely (and very often creative inspiring fun) people.

If you came here 'cos I commented on your craft blog and you find an entry is a bit too honest, or tinged with sadness then do try again - they change!

weekend in 2009 that included the start of Nov-howthehellisitthislateintheyear-vember

2009-11-01T22:14:00.011+11:00

After-sun gel & paracetomol, with mangos.

Little plaster bird left out on the curb beside our door - needless to say I rescued him.

Oh, and he says his name is Paul.

A flowering, golden marigold and abundance of sage, rosemary, lemon grass and little geranium flower bud.

Robert Frost

2009-10-29T23:27:00.006+11:00

Most all of us know of Robert Frost. I am not introducing you to cutting edge avant-garde new wave poetry jam word smithing here.

But he takes words and phrases and moments in time and froze them in delicate stains of ink. I find his work solid and true and good.

His work was one of the most joyful things for me to study at school/uni, this is my favourite of his poetry (at the moment..)

Come In

As I came to the edge of the woods,
Thrush music — hark!
Now if it was dusk outside,
Inside it was dark.
To dark in the woods for a bird
By sleight of wing
To better its perch for the night,
Though it still could sing.
The last of the light of the sun
That had died in the west
Still lived for one song more
In a thrush's breast.
Far in the pillared dark
Thrush music went —
Almost like a call to come in
To the dark and lament.
But no, I was out for stars;
I would not come in.
I meant not even if asked;
And I hadn't been.

My Place & Yours - Bedside

2009-10-28T21:59:00.006+11:00

The view from my bed.. The other weekend while I was procrastinating writting a selection criteria, I framed and hung a whole lot of pictures by my bedside table. Now this is what I see from my bed, before my eyes drift to the moon in the gap between the curtains..

Please note, lovely features including;

*Books with lamp on top - because they don't fit in book shelves!
*Little hammer left over from picture hanging construction work.

*Little pink candles I have never lit!

*Tiny green mug full of dried marigold leaves - no idea why that is there.
*A rock I collected from a beach I went to with N__ years ago.

*Harry Potter & Summer Crossing.. Ideal literary companions? .. Look I know its been written before but I'll get back to you on that classic comparative text Rowling/Capote essay (blog) entry ..

Thank you to both Meet Me at Mikes & theme queen Potty Mouth Mama

Book I love - 84 Charing Cross Road

2009-10-26T15:42:00.005+11:00

I love 84 Charing Cross Road, sisterI__ gave me a copy for Christmas last year and I think if I hadn't been so full of mince pies and roast potatoes I would have devoured it literary. (ha! geddet .. literary / literally sound the sameish, and I'm talking about a book..hilarious..)

Plus, look at these covers!

Mail box Cover from here.. Not sure about where from originally. Sorry!

Marion Dorn cover (which is my lovely copy) from here

transportation

2009-10-23T13:32:00.005+11:00

I sit on a train for about two hours a day during the working week.

I don't really like trains, I like buses, there is more to watch, more changes along the route and this helps the day dreaming process I feel.

I am sick of staring out the window at the back of factory walls and and the overgrown weed filled high banks of dirt that guard the train tracks..

I do get to go past some houses. They are fibro and square and sit in the middle of large blocks. Surrounded by old cars, trampolines that are round and come with mesh fences (trampolines sure have changed in the last 10 years!) and inground pools - water tinged green. A couple of the gardens seem to have little vegetable plots, a couple are concreted over, totally concreted over..
One has an army of small white buses parked out the back.

The other morning it was sunny and on the balcony of a third floor orange bricked apartment building near Berala was a grey haired lady in a purple t shirt standing with her eyes closed and face turned up to the sun.

I tend to nap, nap and cross stitch. Nap, cross stitch and dream of being able to walk to work again!

I have two words for you

2009-10-20T14:08:00.003+11:00

Adapted from Pip's a little while ago at the world famous Meet Me at Mikes, I decide two words worked better for me though, I am good at rambling on after all!

1. Where is your mobile phone? desk-draw
2. Your hair? brown-fringed
3. Your mother? crazy-wonderful
4. Your father? fast-walker
5. Your favourite food? Mama's-Lasagna
6. Your dream last night? banana-lollies
7. Your favourite drink? vodka-soda
8. Your dream/goal? stable-calm
9. What room are you in? work-desk
10. Your hobby? writing-cooking
11. Your fear? hurt-sisters
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? stable-calm
13. Where were you last night? couch-snuggled
14. Something that you are not? stable-calm
15. Muffins? wholemeal-english
16. Wish list item? new-job
17. Where did you grow up? Canberra-Sydney
18. Last thing you did? typed-talked
19. What are you wearing? work-clothes
20. Your TV? lovelyS__'s-flat
21. Your pet? tank-bound
22. Friends? heart&soul
23. Your life? my-life
24. Your mood? quietly-hopeful
25. Missing someone? many-someones
26. Vehicle? public-transport
27. Something you’re not wearing? ear-rings
28. Your favorite store? fruit-shop
29. Your favorite color? grey-blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? last-night
31. Last time you cried? saturday-afternoon
32. Your best friend? multiple-people
33. One place that I go to over and over? bad-headspace
34. One person who emails me regularly? smhproperty-search
35. Favorite place to eat? with-others